December 2000

How to Ruin a Month in Three Hours
I am a complete moron

On the Friday following Thanksgiving Sketchy decided that Evil Robots should sponsor a traditional post-Thanksgiving football game. He called me the night before Thanksgiving from the back of his limousine en route from the Virginia Bureau to Washingtron, DC with his proposal. I concurred. The following evening we went to a local bar to shame our foolish associates into attending by waiting until they were drunk enough to think that this was a good idea.

The following day we all met at a park of the George Washington Parkway in Northern Virginia. The park had an old fort in it. At this point I should have come to my senses and just gone home. But seeing as how I arrived with the top down in my convertible in 40 degree weather, I was not even vaguely qualified to be a judge of common sense.

After a few minutes a horde of people showed up. Word had gotten around about that aging warriors were going to be doing battle. A bunch of high school kids affiliated with Sketchy's younger, but giant, brother had come to take place in the spectacle.

When it came time to pick teams, nobody wanted the responsibility of being captain and picking sides. Therefor it was determined that the teams would be Youth vs. Age. This maybe wasn't such a good idea.

Before my arrival I was fully expecting that this would be a 20 minute game followed by snacking and then a trek to the bar. This didn't happen. We did battle for three hours, including half-time.

Here is the part where I should be describing the football game. I will not be doing this for the following four reasons: 1) I am no sports reporter and there is no Sports Page in Evil Robots, 2) All the running caused a haziness in memory due to blood actually being present in the brain during the game and I cannot remember details in my normal state (unless it involves robots are naked ladies), 3) I'm just too damned lazy, 4) The details of the game are not the point of this story anyhow.

Back to the point. The point is that these three hours of football ruined the period of time between then and now. It is currently three weeks after the game, but I expect the period of ruination to last at least another two or three weeks. I suppose that the reader would now like to know what the hell I'm talking about. "What the hell happened, you asshole?!" you are now asking yourself. Fine I'll tell you.

A normal human being might be somewhat embarrassed. But not me. I'm an idiot. Here's what went down. Our football gamed miraculously ended in a tie. But this was after us aging warriors squandered a pretty good lead. Towards the end our age was starting to show. Especially after the second half tended to be kind of brutal. People get more vicious as they tired. After a while I was just throwing people around. My superior bulk allows me to do that.

I sustained several injuries. This is what ruined me. My first injury was the worst, as time would eventually show. I was running for a touchdown on a Quarter Back draw because I am quite the jock and I was tripped entering the end zone. I fell down face first and slid for several feet (I had a fairly tremendous amount of inertia going for me). I did quite a face plant into the ground. My head smacked the hard cold ground and I was told made quite a humorous "thunk/bonk" noise. I only heard it from the inside, so I can't be an effective judge. Anyhow, I sustained a mild concussion from at. And then a week and a half later on of my teeth cracked through and a good portion of said tooth fell out of my mouth. I am pretty sure that this cracked when my teeth smacked together as a result of my gold medal winning face plant and the crack just tooth a week or so to wok it's way all the way through. Teeth don't normally crack and fall out when you're eating a piece of bread. Lucky for me it was one of the chompers in the back, so I don't look like a toothless idiot (I just act like one). So that was pretty bad. I still haven't been to see a dentist about it, so the nightmare continues.

That was injury number one. Injury number two occurred as I was taking my retribution on the little bastard that tripped me and cause so much pain in my life. I wasn't ware that my teeth would be falling out because of him, but if I had I probably would have sent him to the hospital. As it was I took it out by sacking him but good. He was playing QB and I drove him into the ground. Unfortunately in doing this I also managed to smash my shoulder into the ground. I felt and heard something pop. This isn't so unusual in that joints do that when you don't use them very much any more. I didn't dislocate anything. I knew this because my arm still worked. I did, however, manage to tear a muscle. Or sprain it something fierce. Of course I kept on playing, but it hurt like a sum-bitch. It was kind of like carrying dead wait around. But at least it still worked quite effectively. It was after I got home that it really started to hurt. Taking off my shirt became a lesson in pain. Sleeping on it was impossible. My range of motion was severely limited. It is still vaguely sore.

To top it all of I spent far too much time outside in the cold more or less under-dressed and riving around with the top down (because it wasn't raining, that's why). I had a cold previously. But then the day following the game I cam down with what I thought might be the plague. A serious cough developed. I had a fever. I was a mess. My co-workers began to suspect that I had typhoid. It has taken me almost three weeks to shake this illness. I'm just getting over it.

Then, to make matters worse, I spent the following weekend in a State of Confusion (Pennsylvania) on a holiday-related visit. I was sick and sore and mildly delusional from smacking my head into the ground. Thank god for alcohol, or else I really would have been as miserable appeared to be. But then my illness spread, and I might as well be dead. That rhymed and is therefor true.

Damn you football! Damn you to hell!

I can't wait to do it again next year. Sketchy is an evil genius.