I have found a new mode of kickin’ back. A new way to magnify my idiot quotient. I am takin’ it easy in style. I am a pretend millionaire.

Being a pretend millionaire is a great lifestyle. A killer mode of being. It has so much to offer. My main motivation for adopting this new lifestyle is that I get all the fun of being a jerk like a millionaire, but don’t have to expend all of that effort to earn actual millions of dollars. Don’t be confused- I’m not knocking millionaires. I would love to be a real one, but I’m not willing to put any more effort into it than it takes to pick six random numbers. I’m lazy. Way too lazy to actually be rich. So I’ve found a compromise: I pretend I’m rich.

Pretending that you’re is not as easy as you might think, but then again it’s not that hard either. It’s mostly about attitude with just the right amount of well directed resources. Being a pretend millionaire is enabled mostly by properly spending what cash you have. For instance: I bought a convertible. This is the primary asset of my pretend millionaire lifestyle. I also am CEO of this fine online magazine. I made up the name, so I get to be CEO. See, when you can drive around in your obnoxious white convertible with all the fixin’s and tell people that you are the CEO of an internet company you’ve got a pretty good handle on it. They think you’re some kind of a rich jerk. Now, I’m no real millionaire, but I am a jerk with a nice car- therefor a pretend millionaire.

Often when I’m driving around in my white convertible I wear an annoying white hat. It’s what I call a "convertible hat". And I am almost always wearing a Hawaiian shit (unless I get stuck wearing a suit- but sometimes that just makes me look like even more of a dick, so that’s alright too). Annoying hats increase your jerk factor in a very subtle but important way. Of course sometimes I just have to wear a sombrero, but that’s just a part of my compulsion to act like a complete idiot whenever possible.

At one point smoking cigars and talking on your cell phone while driving around (especially in a convertible) would have been vital to being a pretend millionaire. But this is not so anymore. Nowadays it just looks like your pretending to be important. Or maybe just a yuppie. The same thing applies to playing golf that doesn’t involve putting through a miniature windmill. I will give these people credit for increasing their jerk factor, but it’s just not what it once was. Being a jerk is important for so many reasons, but if you’re going to be a pretend millionaire you really have to be a jerk with style.

A pretend millionaire is really just a refinement of the idiot lifestyle (see "We Are Idiots" and our archives for more on that). Being an idiot is the way to be, and being a pretend millionaire is just taking it to a more sophisticated level. Sure, anybody can stand around on a street corner and deliver angry speeches punctuated with bananas hurled at passing cars, anybody can build a cardboard rocket ship in the back yard, but it takes a special kind of idiot to drive a thousand miles in a suit just so people will look at you like you’re crazy rich bastard at a South Carolina rest stop. That kind of idiot is a pretend millionaire.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with acting like a frat boy when you go out in public, but sometimes it’s just nice to have scorn directed at you for being a rich idiot instead of just a loud, drunken idiot. It’s just all that much better when the people who thing you’re the rich bastard are richer than you are. You have beaten them at their own game.

Being a pretend millionaire entitles me to do a great many wonderful things- things I would never do if I were just the regular garden variety of idiot. Through my skills of being a pretend millionaire I have achieved some fantastic things. I will share some of with you now, but will not reveal my methods. I can only tell you so much without giving all of my secrets away. All I’m saying is that if you too were a pretend millionaire you too could do things like holler profanities from the Luxury Suites at sporting events for free and meet many famous and powerful people including politicians and athletes. Now who’s a jerk, jerk? You gotta be rich to do stuff like that, right? Not if you’re a pretend millionaire.

The only problem that I’ve found with being a pretend millionaire is that it doesn’t get chicks to dig you any more than they would otherwise. Except for the good ones. But they’re hard to find. There are certainly none of the good ones around here, I’ll tell you that much for sure.

But enough of that. That’s not really material to my point here. Below I have included a few pointers for those wishing to give being a pretend millionaire a try. Just remember that actually being rich is not relevant to this endeavor. Just acting like it.

Tips on being a pretend millionaire:

• Obtain a vehicle that is at least slightly obnoxious (non-Miata convertibles work for me).
• Obtain obnoxious clothes and wear them in public. Sometimes wearing all white with a white hat makes people think that you think you’re some kind of rich jerk.
• Wear suits when you have no reason too. Wearing a suit on Saturdays, especially at sporting events, will get you going in the right direction.
• Make up your own company (preferably in technology). It is not necessary that you actually start a company- just make one up. To "prove" its legitimacy to others, create business cards on your PC.
• Talk about your "portfolio" even if, in reality, it’s just a folder full of porn.
• Sometimes I watch financial news, but that’s mostly to drive other people out of the room so I can take a nap while bowling is on.
• Refer to your home as an "estate" or just give it a proper name (like "Severn Hall" or "Wayne Manor").
• A shed in your yard constitutes having an outbuilding of some kind on your "estate".
• Refer to your friend’s place in another state as your "vacation home". Say you "spend weekends" there. It’s pretty fancy way to say that you pass out on your old college roommate’s floor, eh?
• Go to Florida several times a year. Even if you hate it.
• Never live in the suburbs. Not even if you are clever enough to refer to it as "the country".
• Get a big TV (always a good idea).
• Complain about "the help" even if you just mean you have a crappy vacuum cleaner.
• Don’t mow the lawn or do yard work. If you must you can "oversee the grounds" or something like that.
• Act like your ignorance of economics is a result of you being to rich to have to worry about the market.
• Get as many degrees as possible. Or none at all.
• Whatever you do, always be kickin’ back. Remember- you’re "rich".

I hope that I have open your eyes with this most instructional writing. If you are tired of just kickin’ back or acting like a mere proletarian idiot, give being a pretend millionaire a shot. But remember, just because you’re pretending to be a millionaire doesn’t mean you have to get up off your ass and "earn" great wads of cash. Work is for chumps with mortgages and children, not millionaires (pretend or otherwise). Being a pretend millionaire is a very rewarding experience. Unless you really want to get rich- in which case you can get the hell out of my face.