In this issue of Evil Robots, we would like to further extrapolate our way of life- Kickin' Back. Kickin' Back, as you should know by now- if you've been paying attention- is all about workin' hard at doin' nothin'. Kickin' Back is takin' it easy, with style. It is, as an associate of ours put it- "Gonzo Slack". While these things are all true, there is another side to it. Sometimes hard-core relaxin' just doesn't cut it. Sometimes you need to have some balls-out fun. This is what we would like to address in this installment. Sometimes you have to be an idiot.

Most of the world has put a negative connotation on the word "idiot". Well, for doing that they are stupid. Being a true idiot is attaining Zen-like enlightenment. Let me explain. Being an idiot means having fun all of the time, with humor derived directly from the soul. We are idiots here at Evil Robots, and we are damned proud of it. Everything we do proves how smart we are. Check our shit out.

One must not confuse morons with idiots. Trent Lott and Bob Barr are morons. Anybody on Fox"News" is a moron, especially Matt Drudge- nice hat, a-hole. Anybody who drinks paint is a moron. What about the idiots? Evil Robots- we're idiots. Homer Simpson, he's an idiot. The Three Stooges- high idiots. A guy who stands on street corners wearing a cape angrily throwing bananas a traffic- man, now he's an idiot, and an inspiration. See, being an idiot has intent- you are having fun, and usually teaching people a lesson at the same time, like the guy wingin' bananas at traffic. For instance, next time you see me and I come over and stomp like a sumo wrestler and then shove you to the ground, I will have made everybody who saw laugh, as well as taught you a valuable lesson about falling down.

So, without any further rambling, Evil Robots is proud to present our Idiot's Guide to Life, for Beginners.

• Refer to the thermostat as a "weather machine"
• Always hang up pay phones upside down.
• When watching sports "remember" that sportscasters are filthy bastards. As an idiot, you tend to find dirty comments very amusing. Giggling will become laughter the more you here things like "the batter's box", "up the middle", and "take it to the hole,"
• Constantly regale your friends and associates about the time you saw a blimp.
• Remember, chicks dig big muscles- flex while at fancy restaurants.
• Salute coke machines.
• Mailboxes are a good place to put your trash.
• Proudly dig for boogers, offer them to strangers. If you are chided for picking your nose, become offended and refer to the act as "nasal masturbation".
• When in doubt, do the robot (see Commentary).
• Tell people that their hand smells awful. When they put their hand up to their nose to examine more closely, punch their hand into their nose as hard as you can. Man, now THAT'S funny.
• When the TEEvee refuses to listen to your arguments, start throwing things at it.
• Remember, poop is funny. So is the letter "p".
• Having sexual intercourse with a soda machine- even a Pepsi (the bitch of colas) machine- is apparently not socially acceptable.
• Whenever anybody corrects you yell "Look, I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth!" If that doesn't work, tell them to "go eat a bowl of dicks." Problem solved.
• Go to the mall with a roll of pennies. Stand on a level above the food court. Fun ensues.
• Loudly announce to whoever is present whenever you have to use the bathroom, and in what capacity.
• Pity the fool that don't like Mr. T.
• Sometimes it's a really good idea, when waiting at a really long red lights, to get out of your car and climb on top of it, and maybe even do a little jig on the hood.
• Note that signs in convience stores and fast food establishments say "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service", but say nothing about pants.
• Don't waste your gum. Don't throw out gum while you eat, store it behind your ear.
• Did we tell you about the time we saw a blimp (see ERI Wire)?
• When in a pinch, tape measures make kick-ass neck ties.
• Talking with an English accent not only impresses chicks, but your boss as well.
• In fast food restaurants, insist on only sitting in the chairs that swivel, and then swivel during your entire meal. This enhances the dining experience for everybody present.
• When a girl you know constantly makes fun of the way you say "cold" don't punch her, or even say anything about it. Just store up that anger and then one day release it by pushing her in front of a bus. Then say a snappy one-liner.
• If your boss gets mad at you for playing with paper clips and rubber bands the only thing to do is to organize a massive military demonstration with the various office supplies on your desk.
• Get a doctorate in physics and become a world renowned physicist. Then demand that airlines give you free flights to wherever and whenever you want or else you will be forced to disprove the principles of flight.
• Always wear a cape.
• Hum "Chariots of Fire" whenever doing anything vaguely physical.
• If nobody wants to listen to your crazy ideas and moronic plots, start a website. Make sure it has eye-catching graphics and subliminal messages embedded within.
• Create distractions as often as possible. Sometimes make it obvious that you are trying to create a distraction. This doesn't mean you should necessary have a reason for creating a distraction.
• Two words: blow belch.
• See what fits up your nose and what doesn't.
• Ask people if they would tell anybody if they woke up with their asses smeared in Vaseline and in rather intense pain. Regardless of response, follow up by asking them if they would like to go camping with you sometime soon.
• Never answer the question "What time is it?" by giving the time. You are smarter than that. Here are a few suggested responses: 1) it's about time, it's about space, it's about time I slapped your face, 2) Hammer Time! 3) 4:30, it's not late, it's early, early (thus plunging them into a Spin Doctors induced psychotic episode) 4) time for you to shut up 5) Time to get ill.
• Always stop at the 301 Plaza gas station/rest stop in Delaware. Always.
• Respond to any odor/aroma with "who farted?"
• Always ask questions/make demands in the form of a sports cheer. Replace "Let’s-go-Red-Sox!" with "I-want-whiskey!" or "Pass-the-but-ter!"
• Ask people if they are "talkin' dirty" even when you know they aren't. Especially when you know they aren't.
• The word "defesitration" exists for a very good reason. Look it up and do it to it.
• Constantly point out how clever you are.
• And of course, remember to always check out the Kickin' Back Section. (Think about it, we're talkin' about nice asses. See how clever we are- back section=ass, kickin' back section=nice ass?)