February 2003

Syphilis Infects the Minds of Conservative Pundits

We've been doing some thinking about the whole question of the "liberal media" a lot lately. Eric Alterman, of The Nation magazine, has just published a book debunking that whole notion, so it's been on our minds. As anybody who listens to talk radio or watches cable "news" channels knows, the "liberal media" is a complete and total myth. There are still a few liberal newspaper editors out there, and 60 Minutes is still on the air. But otherwise, all the "news" we get is filtered through large media corporations. While not all of these corporations are run by insane conservative tyrants, all of them are at least motivated by profits. Thus we get news that is intended to not piss off the current government and so forth.

But from listening to all these insane conservative talk show hosts, one must become suspicious that something bizarre is afoot. Seriously, listen to these fuckers. Nobody can seriously think like Rush Limbaugh! Is the human mind really capable of such shoddy reasoning and open hatred?

Yes it is. When it's infected with syphilis.

We've come up with a theory here at Evil Robots. We think all these conservative blowhards have come down with syphilis. Furthermore, we think they all got it from Ann Coulter. This is the only reasonable explanation for the insanity I hear being screamed at me across both dials. It's quite a conspiracy, actually. This is all Rupert Murdoch's doing, obviously. He's clearly insane. Whether or not he has syphilis is debatable, though. After all- he is Australian. However, the man he picked to rune Fox"News", Roger Ailes, is clearly syphilitic. This is a man who did many, many insanely evil things for the Reagan Administration. To give the benefit of the doubt as to the nature of his soul, one must assume he has syphilis. Furthermore, the syphilis has driven him to such madness that he considers his news organization to be "fair and balanced".

So now that we have identified the source of the insane syphilitic mind of the conservative (deep within the Reagan Administration, probably traceable back to the Nixon years), it is important to understand the means by which this epidemic is spreading: Ann Coulter. Ann Coulter is that crazy, crazy, blonde lady (who might be considered attractive if only her hate-spewing mouth was sewn shut) that you see screaming about liberals all over the place. She recently published a tasteless book asserting that liberals are tools of the devil. She makes wild and baseless claims about almost anything. She must have a very advanced case of syphilis, clearly contracted from Roger Ailes. She's a favorite on Fox"News", which has the highest concentration of syphilis in the mainstream media, along with the Wall Street Journal. We feel that Ann Coulter has been spreading this madness through out the media, evidenced with all the crazies at Fox, slowly spreading to once "unbiased" or "sane" seeming news organizations.

You don't believe us? You think WE have syphilis? Au, contraire:

CNN used to be quite respectable. But now you have people like Bob Novak coming on during "Crossfire" and claiming that soccer is for "peasants and uneducated people". Even if one felt that way, who would be stupid enough to say this on the air, to millions of highly unweathy people like myself who enjoy soccer? Clearly, this is the act of somebody driven mad by syphilis.

At it's inception, the O'Reilly Factor could have been considered slightly close to "fair and balanced." But in the past few years, Mr. Factor has not-so-gradually dipped into what appears to be a syphilis-related insanity. And it's not just his new ultra-fascist opinions and insanely intense yelling that tip us off that he's gone mad from syphilis. If you watch his show, you will clearly see that he is quite often talking to himself. Especially going into commercial breaks. He is literally saying things that make no sense in any context. He also appears to be somewhat turned on by his nonsensical mumblings Clearly, this is the result of Roger Ailes plot to end natural human sanity at Fox"News" by spreading syphilis through Ann Coulter. Her spread of syphilis knows no limits. She's on a mission.

As many of you recall from the History Channel, "Scarface" Al Capone also suffered from syphilis induced insanity later in his life. This is exactly what O'Reilly is going through. His once stalwart defense of sanity and logic in the face of the rampant logiclessness in America is now being stampeded by the rowdy buffaloes of Loony Mountain. It's terrible to watch.

On the Monday after the anti-war rallys in Washington, D.C., Mr. Factor made the claim that the protestors wanted Saddam to win and America to lose the war on terror. Uh, OK. Bill used to make sense in his talking points. "What the fuck?" we asked. Then it came to us syphilis is the only reason Mr. Factor would say such things. Hell, President Bush would never say that in public, and he's a walking, talking, coked-up fuck-up!

As with any good conspiracy, this gets deeper and deeper the more you look at it. Coulter is not only a crappy pseudo-writer, she's a syphilis-spreading machine. And she clearly fucked Rush Limbaugh years ago. That man's mind has been so eroded by syphilis, that he is now reduced to screaming about invisible enemies. He's still ranting about Bill Clinton more than 2 years after the man left office. We used to find his vicious attacks to be amoral and un-American, but now we realize that he has no control over what he says or thinks. He was seduced into such madness, and we pity him.

This theory of conservative ideology being cause by syphilis was fundamentally inspired by the shock and horror we hear on a daily basis from the lying conservative mainstream media. What we are being told ranges from misleading to evil. The more we became acutely aware of this, the more we became saddened. Could our fellow Americans be this cruel? This stupid? This arrogant? This insensitive? This evil? No, we said, no human being could seriously maintain that President Clinton was involved in drug-smuggling-related murders. These are clearly the ramblings of men gone mad. And they all had one thing in common: that clearly syphilitic whore Ann Coulter was always hanging around.

It's kind of a no-brainer.