May 2003

SCREW THOSE JERKS AT EVILROBOTS.NET

Lately, it always seems like I'm nearing the end of my rope. All this crap around the war, the jerk president and his jerk friends, the erosion of my civil rights and the civil rights of my friends; it all adds up and just seems worse and worse all the time. Then, Godzilla steers me back in the right direction by sending me a link to www.evilrobots.net. Now I'm really pissed off. All this other stuff, the war and what not? Meaningless.

What the hell is the purpose of a website that puts the word "evil" in front of the names of a bunch of robots from movies and teevee? There's nothing original or fun about that, it's just a load of crap. Do they have Buzzsaw? Hell no. Were they here first? No, we were. I think this exploitation of all the name-branding we have done over the past four years should be done by us, for our gain, not by them, for whatever the hell they are doing.

I cut myself with a big knife today, and I am bleeding on the keyboard right now. Do the auteurs at evilrobots.net have the kind of blind dedication to their almighty editors that I do? I seriously doubt it. They're too busy going "OOH…we could have EVIL Bender next month! That would be totally crazy!" to bleed on their keyboards. I just don't know what the world is coming to anymore, and I fear for the future of my children.

We can settle this dispute in two ways, I think. The first way involves me challenging them to a one-on-one Hobo Derby. It'll be a little bit like the Cannonball Run, except for the fact that I am better looking than Burt Reynolds and crazier than Dom Deluise. They can nominate their own hobo whenever they're ready. The other solution would be a one-on-one Taco-Off. They would buy me a bunch of tacos, and I would make sure to look the other way while they maintain their crappy website. Either of these solutions would be arbitrated fairly by our own Godzilla, an expert hobo in his own right who also enjoys tacos.

Anyway, I can only hope that things turn for the better. Until then, I'll be waiting for my tacos/hobos. Dammit.