June 2001

Please Don't Watch the NBC Nightly News
Get These Spiders Off of Me!

Do you ever think that Tom Brokaw is ever personally angry at you?

More specifically, do you ever think he's mad at me. When you, personally, are sitting there watching the news do you get all nervous and uncomfortable because you just know, from the tone in his voice and his body language, that he is absolutely furious with me?

Then you must wonder what it was that I did to piss of Tom Brokaw so badly. I know I do- after all, it's me that he hates so much. But then you think, maybe Brokaw's just completely insane. That he picked my name randomly out of the phone book and blindly decided to focus all of his rage on me like a laser beam.

I am clearly a victim here. Please help me. Save me, dear readers. PLEASE SAVE ME!

I don't know what to do about it. I live in constant fear of Brokaw leaping out of the television and putting me in a choke hold. I'm afraid he's hiding in my closet. Or under my bed. Or that he will be looking up at me from inside the toilet.

I'm worried that he might be poisoning my water.

I think he snuck into my room while I was sleeping last night and lay next to me on my bed and put his arm around me while I was sleeping. And then he left before I woke. I have a vague recollection. I am sweating and wiping tears away as I type.

I think I'm going to have to take a shower. But with the curtain open so he can't sneak up from behind me and try to kiss me between my shoulder blades again.

Do you what it's like to live in such terror?

How can you even think of watching the NBC Nightly News after knowing what you now know?

How can you even talk to me with a clear conscience? Is it that you're ashamed of me? Is that it? You must want me to suffer.

I don't need to put up with this.

Not without an ice cream sandwich, at any rate.