September 2001

Goddamn You, Grandpa

I love Grandpa like a brother, please don't get me wrong. But lately I have noticed this particularly evil influence in my life, and only he can be blamed. God damn you, Grandpa.

The problem at hand is that I find myself more and more tuning into the relatively narrow stripe of programs offered by Fox News Channel. Yes, it seems to be that I find myself checking into this poor excuse of a news network maybe 6 or 8 times a day now. I watch a little Brit Hume, a little Paula Zahn, snippets of the Bill O'Reilly show, and whatever beaming anchor is spouting right-leaning news tidbits over the course of my day. Perhaps I have too much free time, for why else would I watch so much TV in a day? No one I know (besides Grandpa) has this much free time devoted to the TV. I worry for myself.

Perhaps it is the allure of 24 hours of nothing but stories on Gary Condit. I must admit, I was intrigued by the suggestion of a caller to a live program on Fox News Channel that Gary Condit engaged in "less than normal" activities involving Barney Frank costumes. But on the whole, I just don't care. I guess it might be one of those guilty pleasures, like listening to Rush Limbaugh for a few minutes on the way home from work. But I feel compelled to check back every so often, to hear what is going on in the Fox world. Christ, this is worse than reading The Sun every day whilst living in England. I might blame the Rupe, but I think I'll stick with Grandpa. God damn you, Grandpa.

And this O'Reilly Factor show? Not really very good TV to be honest. The dude sits there and spouts at his guests like they are illiterate cavemen, yet he takes pleasure in berating those who disagree with him. It's like arguing with Tom Selleck. You'll win that argument every time, but how fun is it outwitting a simpleton like Tom Selleck? So Mr. O'Reilly, I'm open for your questions anytime. Please understand that I will beat your ego to the pavement like so many red-headed stepchildren, but it's ok. You can keep your TV show anyway.

In summary, Fox "News" is an oxymoron, and I blame Grandpa for all this nonsense. God damn you, Grandpa.

Oh, wait. On a happier note, regular Fox has brought back Family Guy for the summer. It is the best animated comedy since the six Clerks episodes ran on ABC last summer. So Fox, I guess I'll just have to live with you for now. Thank you.