November 2001

Star Wars and "The Hispanish"

It's a lock. I'm going to Hispanic Hell. Being somewhat on the Hispanic side myself, this is a most accursed fate. You'll be able to find me in the 'Geek' section. Or perhaps I'll be suffering among the likes of Geraldo "Jerry Rivers" Rivera and Lorenzo Lamas. Maybe I'll even get Raquel Welch's autograph while I'm being skewered and roasted by my demonic foes. It all started with a reference to "Star Wars"....

My sister and I were watching the DVD release of "Episode I" not too long ago, and I commented on the omnipresent token black character(s) in "Star Wars". Bring it on, Lando Clarissian! I salute you, Captain Panaka! Hey, there's a pilot in a starship who's black, too! Hell, there is even Asian representation in the "Star Wars" series. I seem to recall that, at least in the newer versions of "Return of the Jedi", during the extended (and, stupid) music video sequence, one of the doo-wop backup singers in Jabba's palace is of the Asian Persuasion. And, I'll be damned if I'm the only one who thinks that "Skywalker" and "Darklighter" don't sound even vaguely Native American. But enough about those ethnicities which *are* represented; "What about the hispanics?", I asked aloud to my
sister.

Heather looked at me, puzzled. "Are they all named 'Manual Labor', and nowhere to be found?", I asked. It was all downhill after this: "They must all be in the kitchen, or something", I added. She caught on, and said, "Well, you know they never really show a bathroom scene in 'Star Wars'. Surely they're are some in there scrubbing the toilets." Holy Crap... I feel the hounds of hell after me already.

After relating this story to a friend of mine, we also came up with other explanations:

· The hispanics in Star Wars are, in reality, very visible in the series. They're all the droids, doing all the small jobs and menial labor. R2D2's real and full name is Rodrigo Rodolfo Duarte Diaz. And C-3PO is really a nagging Latina named Consuela Patricia Pilar Puente Ordonez. The little red droid that was originally being sold to Owen Lars and Luke by the Jawas in the original 1979 release that "broke down", was actually the town drunk, Paco.

• All the hispanics in the "Star Wars" universe can't be seen because there is never any footage at 6:00a.m. in front of a 7-11. That's where they hang out, looking for a day-job.
• In the same vein as Manual Labor (Who happens to be my best latino friend. Good ol' Manny...), "Chewbacca" is really just a corruption of his name given to him upon his birth into a migrant family of Wookiee farmers: Jesús "Chuy" de la Vaca allegedly led a life of backbreaking tree-climbing and truck driving on his home planet. His partner Han "Solo" Solo is, as his latinized name implies, a loner. On a happier note, these two get the most action, which gives the rest of us browns some hope.
• Let's face it: the Pod Races in "Episode I" are actually substitutes for cockfights. Both are interesting yet disturbing.
• Things in the Star Wars universe would have been made much better if George "El Pendejo" Lucas had created a mentor character for Luke named "Obi Juan Kenobi". Alas, it was not so. Marin County bastard.

So, seeing as how I've opened a Pandora's box of possibilities, as well as more opportunities to incriminate myself, I determined that I'll be going to Latino Hell someday. They'll be waiting for me. I'll be forced to give back all the horses I stole and give back the governments that I have overthrown via military coup.