January 2004

I Love the Spam

The Evil Robots webmail account does not have too many negatives. It's cheap, it holds a ton of mail in the in-box for a long time, and I can send or receive very large attachments. However, we have no junk mail protection. Because of that, Godzilla and I use the account sparingly these days. On the average day, we'll get 100 or so pieces of junk mail, and there is nothing we can do about it (for Godzilla it's actually several hundred pieces of spam a day, about 3,000 a week).

For a while, I did not care. Most of the subject lines were misspelled invitations for drugs or porn, neither of which I needed anyway. However, in the past few months, the spammers have resorted to traditional spelling. I'm happy for the change, but some of the messages make me wonder who they are trying to fool. Below I've collected some of the most recent odd name and subject lines from my junk mail collection.

Example 1
From: 'in her ass'
Subject: 'you can see an incredible closeup in crystal clear high quality video'
My Thought: This is not an invitation to watch some sweet anal. No, they are advertising INTERNAL ASS SHOTS! As any guy over 40 can tell you, this is an annual check-up, not a sexual practice.
My Grade: B-. Much improved from the "5ee in 4er a5s" crap of years past. Still, I'm not going to click on this. Nuts to all that internal crap. I appreciate the grammar and the spelling. The minus is for the gross.

Example 2
From: Bryce Lyons
Subject: Impress your girl with a huge cumshot!
My Thought: What are you insinuating, Bryce? What is my wife telling you that she's not telling me?
My Grade: A. I'm an average guy, and Bryce knows that. My wife is lookin' for a hot night of steamy, sweaty sex which is culminated with a blast of goo in her eye and/or nose. When the wife is away at night classes, I'm checkin' you out.
(Note: I also have a message from 'Estela D. Elkins' with a subject 'Increase the volume of your ejaculation'. This one is dumb because the word 'cum' is excluded. Who says 'ejaculate' anymore?)

Example 3
From: (Blank)
Sunject: (Blank)
My Thought: Why did you have to give up so easy?
My Grade: F. Just because you have to spell is no reason to quit.

Example 4
From: two dildos
Subject: showing their cervix through a speculum
My Thought: This is ten times more gross than the e-mail from 'in her ass'! Don't get me wrong, that they took the time to spell both 'cervix' AND 'speculum' correctly is a huge plus, but no one should be sending me this crap. I'm a giant cum shot type of guy. If the sun don't shine there, I should not be looking at it. Not on the internet, not anywhere.
My Grade: A+. "Don't be afraid to use a dictionary" is a terrific lesson to teach children.

Example 5
From: Lloyd Jack
Subject: Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
My Thoughts: This is obviously a fake. Why would I open it? Video from inside a woman's ass = Real, thus I may open it. We all know that spammers are not political. They are opening our eyes to the world of porn.
My Grade: F- -. Next time, try this subject line: "We fuck them, then Kevorkian kills them. Watch it now!"

Example 6
From: Odis Triplett
Subject: May I let you love
My Thoughts: This terrible e-mail walked off the far end of the Gross Meter and landed on the StalkerTron5000. There's no way I'm opening this damn thing. First of all, he did not finish his sentence, and second, I'm sure he's gonna say "me". I don't care if he looks like Brad Pitt, there's no way he's coming into my life. One day we'll be all friendly with the cyber-sex, and the next day he'll be sending me picture of him having sex with his pillows.
My Grade: C. Finish your sentences, jerk.