Final Destination:

The hot girls got killed to quick.

Ok. This is a great date movie for a high schooler. For any other demographic this would be a waste of good time. The "plot" notwithstanding, this movie lacked the strong soundtrack that is normally featured with low-grade teen death flicks of the far off 1990's. What else was this movie missing? Mmmm... Alright. The death scenes were strong. Burning flesh, exploding computers (I don't trust any for that matter), one great beheading, and two great splats! Oh yeah, one vodka-induced house explosion, and one great 'suicide.'

What this reviewer could not figure out was why the kids had to die in the first place. The general logic was that you could not know Death's plan. Yet the main kid, I will call him Jeff (or Ace for that matter), figured that his vision of the future, and subsequent rescue, pissed off Death so much that Death began hunting them down one at a time. While I am ready and willing to picture Death as a pickled old deer-fucker, I would trust that he used a more Aristotelian logic rather than an existential logic (what is truth, anyway?) Jeff and Molly, the 'artsy-goth-sexpot(who never puts out, that bitch!)' discover that if Death is out to get you, Death will get you or the next specific person, namely the person who helped you live. No, the deal is that if you cheat death, you must play chess with death and bring six friends. The game is more of a round robin tournament with the finals in Paris, France (or a studio lot, I can't remember which, the tourney was so long ago.) Lucky for us, however, Death is not a fan of the old cardiac arrest. He loves the beheading, the burning flesh, and the splatting. If I was death I would get rid of cancer and heart disease and just pick people off with busses and trains all day. Maybe that is why American's are fans of cars rather than public transportation. If death has less tools, we can live much longer (and freely walk in the street any time we want.) Death is either very stupid or very lonely in that he would prefer to ooze out of a toilet and cause a slip- on- the- floor- then- get- caught- in- the- shower- curtain kind of death as opposed to a heart attack or even death by meteor.

This brings us to an altogether different subject, urban planning. For years, western culture has praised the Greeks and the Romans for their innovative public works projects (I like the Imperial orgy's best.) What we have failed to notice, in our haste to praise public works over individual achievement, that Rome and Athens would still be kicking ass if they has avoided the whole concept of public-anything. Idiots. Don't they know that Death is lurking at every corner? Everything should be made with Nerf Technology.

--Grandpa