July 2003

Movie Review of Hells Angels: Full Bottle
We Made This Shit Up

Well, it's summer blockbuster time, and you know what that means. Another "Hells Angels" movie! Hells Angels, as you may remember, was a successful 70s TV series about three kept bitches in a motorcycle gang who utilized their unique talents to save the day in their spare time-when they weren't "granting" sexual favors, getting beat up, and cooking, that is.

The first Hells Angels installment took us through the girls' kidnapping, their brutal initiation, and the gradual love and respect they began to feel for both their fellow gang members and disgusting hardcore sexual activities. The movie's central conflict revolved around the capture of the gang leader Chaz by the police and the girls' efforts to save him. The girls were able to succeed by holding a young officer hostage and mailing his body parts one by one to the police station until Chaz was released. In the film's groundbreaking final scene, they rape the barely breathing policeman with a hot poker and then feast on his entrails while Chaz watches.

Well, this year's sequel is just as steamy. The three girls are back-Jasmine, the smart but slutty one; Racy, the handy but slutty one; and Magdalene, the slutty but classy one. Chaz is back too.

Well, I don't want to give away too much of the plot, but this year the conflict revolves around a rival biker gang led by a big black dude named Big Mac. Big Mac treats his bitches much better, but Chaz thinks something's up. So he sends Jasmine, Racy, and Magdalene undercover to find out What Is Really Going On.

Well, it turns out that it's not Big Mac that exerts punishment on the girls, it's quite the other way around! Big Mac is a big sissy-the real leader of the gang is Demimonde, the muscular but slutty one. Demimonde likes a little girl on girl action, and Jasmine, Racy, and Magadalene have to comply in order to get to the bottom of this mystery.

Will the three girls survive their initiation into Demimonde's gang? Will Big Mac take the dildo like a man? What's the full bottle have to do with the movie, and will it break while Demimonde is fucking Jasmine with it?

These questions and more can only be answered by going to the movie! See you there!

This movie is rated U for unimaginable pain and misery.

Editor's Note: This month were are very pleased to introduce an actual award winning writer to Evil Robots. We won't explain the award any detail, because you would then feel stupid and not like Mr. Whiplash anymore.