August 2003

Cameron's New Movie: A Bunch of Robots, Sinking Ships
We Made This Shit Up

Hollywood is all a-buzz - a-twitter, even - with the news of James Cameron's new film project "Titanicinator". Drawing upon his previous successes, Cameron had no trouble luring such starpower as Tom Hanks, Cate Blanchett, Gene Hackman, Ben Affleck and Dame Judi Dench, who will play the Titanicinator's past love interest.

Thanks mainly in part to the wildly successful use of digital imaging and effects used in Titanic and T3, Cameron plans to "push the Hollywood envelope further than it's ever been" by using the first ever composite actor. "Now, audiences will see what happens when you take the best parts of Tom Hanks and Gene Hackman, digitally combine their performances, and then create a new 'actor' using computer technology."

Cameron claims this will be "the mother of all acting performances", citing both Hanks' and Hackman's stellar acting in pre-production and initial shoots.

This is not, however, the first attempt at "composite acting" performances. Two years ago, Jerry Bruckheimer tried to bolster his own past cinematic successes by crossing Ving Rhames (of Con Air) and William Forsythe (of The Rock), but with terrible results. The ensuing debacle, entitled "An Airy Rock of Cons", remains a stain on Bruckheimer's Hollywood resume. He was recently quoted, in reference to Cameron's endeavor, "We wish him all the best. He shouldn't have to endure the red-faced shame that we did."

Cameron hopes this will become the first in a series of such composite performances. "If this pans out, I think the movie-going public can expect other joint ventures as Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez, Matt Damon with Tobey McGuire, and even a Jim Carrey/Buster Keaton mix using archived footage."

Critics are already frothing at the mouth in protest. This doesn't faze Cameron in the least. "I'll give them movie magic the likes of which they've never seen before. They'll beg for more after they see my Justin Lipnicki/Kieran Culkin composite child actor. The adorable factor will be sweet enough to give them cavities."

The director turns his focus back on his current project. "'Titanicinator' promises great Hollywood entertainment staples: gripping drama, sight gags, an irascible straight man, car chases, lost love, robots, guns, topless scenes, a history lesson, a philosophical quandary at the core of the story, and man's hubris being confronted, and taught a lesson by- more robots."