May 2004

Hasselhoff Extreme: Revenge of the Cheerleaders
Review This

Bigfoot and I get a bunch of different movies from Netflix. For the most part, we do a good job of ordering movies we enjoy. Many of the films have been recommended by friends or each other. About a month ago, I found a movie which I thought only existed in my imagination: Revenge of the Cheerleaders. I saw it way back in High School. One of my friends brought it over one night when a bunch of us were hanging out together. It was cool.

The most amazing part of the film, other than all the naked ladies, is David Hasselhoff! No kidding, Michael Knight himself plays the star basketball player, and a member of the shower-orgy club, at a California high school. It's amazing, seeing him dance and prance around. You even get to see his johnson before the huge orgy in the shower. Mitch Baywatch is a good reason to know this movie exists, but he's not the reason you should watch it.

The reason is the cheerleaders. I cannot think of a better move stereotype than the happy and slutty cheerleader. None more amazing. These girls screw dudes to help them win their basketball games. They screw lonely hikers to kill some time. They sit around the school getting stoned and taking their clothes off. They screw their dudes in the hallway while skipping class. Oh yeah, they also steal drugs from the tough kids, Robin Hood style! These girls should be in every movie.

This movie makes me happy and sad. No one is going to make this kind of soft-porn again. Young ladies with real, perky tits, AND natural beaver! These girls do not look like pre-pubescent tarts. No, they look like classic sluts. Movies today not only shoot for PG-13 too damn often, but the Congress would go ape-shit if some director decided to make summer movies fun again.

I'm calling out anyone with some bucks and ambition: remake this movie!!!! I bet the guy who owns the "Girls Gone Wild" franchise could make tons of these. The script is already written, so all he needs to do is find from five to eight young ladies, five dudes, and go crazy. GGW cameras find good looking naked chicks ALL THE TIME. How hard would it be to get some of them to agree to spend a week making a fun flick? That movie would make TONS of money from DVD sales alone!

It's not often that a funny movie full of pretty titties makes me sad, but maybe, in the future, it won't have to. Maybe in the future, there'll be more slutty cheerleaders in the movies.