January 2001

Visa Can Go To Hell

On The Tube

So lately I've been thinking about that Visa commercial about buying coffee with your Visa card. The one that contains the line "...when the coffee world meets the cyber world..."

That one statement sends me into a fury every time I hear it. It's so freakin' ridiculous. Besides the fact that it sounds like blatant pandering to self-seen hipsters, it really makes no sense. I think the commercial was built around that one line. Some ad guy decided "hey- the kids like their computers, and they love their coffee- this commercial will turn the youth of America into loyal Visa cardholders." How stupid can you get? So just that one line made them make this incredible reaching commercial about a coffee bar that has computers in it called the "Cyber Cafe" that you can use your Visa card in. Wow! How impressive! All made possible by Visa!

Now, I have been onto the advertisers for quite a while. I have a long standing feud with bad commercials. I cannot be manipulated into parting with my money so easily. Not even the nakedish ladies on TV can get me to change my cheap bastard ways. And I love the naked ladies.

It's just that this one commercial sends me into a tizzy. It gives me fits. It's so blatant. It's like they weren't even trying. Or trying to try. I really hate it when the old guys try to hip something up. There's a great David Cross (David of Mr. Show with Bob and David) about how insidious this is. It makes me crazy. It's so insulting to me as an intelligent (for this argument I shall claim to be intelligent) human being.

The whole commercial is a total stretch. It's all "imagine a world where coffee breaks last all day" and there is coffee flowing from the fire hydrants. And the it's all like "well there are some coffee places that have computers." Oh, and you can use your Visa card there. So it's a meeting of the "world of coffee" and the "world of computers." Huzzah!

I don't really need to be explaining this. We all see why this commercial is so angrifing. But I just can't stands it no more. It's pissed me off for the last time (not really- it will get me all worked up many more times, I am quite sure). Also, this commercial has been on forever. It is not amusing. Or even clever, obviously.

To be more specific, I want to punch that guy in the face when he gets his coffee refilled and sort of tips his cup at the viewer because some hot chick just refilled his coffee on the street. Then he's all thinking "Now I need to go check my email and this will be a perfect day." I'm gonna bash that guy good.

And another thing! The narrator (I won't even get into how much I want to smash that bastard) mentions that this magical "Cyber Cafe" is in London. It really doesn't look like London AND the coffee guy has an American accent. I guess they are trying to say that when in England, Americans can do their favorite 3 things at once- have a coffee, check their email, and use their credit card.

I'm almost considering quitting my job and becoming homeless just so I can get offended at this horrible Ad promoting such a wasteful and meaningless existence.

Cyber Cafe's suck. I won't go near them. I'd rather not check my email than go into one. Even when I'm on travel. And I'm such an email junkie. It is true that the amount of email we receive is a measure of our worth as human beings....

I think I passed one of those places on 18th St. down near Dupont Circle the other day and swore at it. I've also seen them in various cities around the nation. I probably would use one if I was on vacation for a month or more (not bloody likely).

But really, why go to a "cyber café" when most libraries have internet access? Everyone knows that, in spite of email, the main purpose/use of the internet is pornography. And it's so much easier to masturbate in the privacy of a nice quite library. No assholes standing around getting all impatience for you to hurry up. Plus, you more likely to meet that smart nerdy-type girl who is really hot when she lets down her hair and takes off her glasses in a library than in a "cyber café." Libraries are not filled to the brim with obnoxious "hipsters".

Besides, chicks are totally impressed by public masturbation. It shows them that you want to do the sex and that you don't care who knows it. It makes them blush and it turns them on. So, in conclusion, always be sure to rub your crotch when talking to women.

Now who's a genius?

Actually, if you look at a lot of old advertising from the past, it is quite obvious that advertising has actually improved over the decades. Look at ads from the 50's. They are insipid. The are pure bullshit. They completely lack ingenuity and creativity.

Now we have SOME commercials with dancing chimpanzees and robots that fall in love with fax machines. It's not all "this product will help you become a dutiful housewife".

The Sex Sells approach is ridiculous anyhow. Anybody who falls for it gets what they deserve (drinking too much Bud Dry and throwing up in their Camaro).

But still, this is really besides my point. I'm not railing against advertising. While it is inherently evil as they want to take my money away from me, I'm just saying here that the Visa commercial in question makes me want to hurt people. All people. It is offensive on so many levels. Mainly the phrase "coffee world".

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is there a vast segment of the population of this planet who's primary devotion is coffee? It just sounds incredibly stupid when you actually listen to the words instead of JUST focusing your rage on that dumb bastard man and his giant cup of joe.

I want to wipe the smile of that smug fuckers face.

After such a refined argument you, the readers, are now fated to share my rage. But in addition to now having to control your homicidal rage, you know the true value of public libraries.

Commit this to memory and soon we will all be wearing fine new beaver hats.