March 2002

Join the new Jihad (or "the invasion of tvland')
On The Tube

My fellow TEEvee watching brothers and sisters-I implore you to heed my call. The world cannot suffer these outrages any more justice is ours. It is time to take up arms and attack our imperialist enemy - TV Land. Their insults cannot be allowed - they fly in the face of all that we hold dear.

It is not enough that 'Emergency!' was removed from the airwaves to make room for 'Maverick' in the 1 pm est slot by these capitalist running-dogs. No, they had to take it a step further. They showed their contempt for our entire way of life when they removed 'The A-Team' (2 pm est) from the airwaves, replacing it with 'The Rockford Files.' THE FUCKING ROCKFORD FUCKING FILES!

This is a clarion call for all those who hold television dear, who demand more, not less. Hear me now, TV Land - this transgression against all that is good and pure in America cannot stand. Join me, and our brothers from TNN (and that is 'The NATIONAL Network' - not the 'Nashville' network - so get it right) as we storm the shores of our enemy. Together, our forces are unstoppable.

We will root them from their houses, looting and pillaging all that stands as an edifice to their corporate greed and power. We will set right this transgression. Through force or coercion, however they choose, we will prevail. How can we not?

The monuments to their success, their shallow heroes are no match for our heroic patriots. How can you argue? The Beverly Hillbillies, the Brady Bunch, Lucille Ball & friends, Andy Griffith, the crew of The Love Boat, the Honeymooners, Gomer Pyle, and Hogan's Heroes…these are the forces arrayed against us, and we cannot lose.

Let us drive a stake through the heart of the God-fearing sitcom! Let us strike a blow for television that compels us to watch it by presenting vivid story lines, compelling characters, and unique morals found nowhere else. We will show the infidels no mercy.

Join us - you have nothing to lose but bad television.

Howlin' Mad, Faceman, BA, and Hannibal are all here, all armed, and all ready to kill. Where are you?