Oooooh….Emma Brodyyyyy…Yes, I watched about five minutes of the first two episodes of "The American Embassy" on FOX. For those NOT in the know, AE is about a young woman, Emme Brody, who breaks up with her fiancée and becomes a worker-person at the American Embassy in London. As you can imagine, those were some of the most exciting and/or erotic five minutes of my life.

For reasons unknown to me, I have spent the past three weeks imagining what would happen if Emma Brody suddenly left her fiancée to work in my office? How would my life be better? Would any work every get done?

Don't get me wrong, I am not imagining having wild, illegal sex with her in the supply closet. In fact, I don't want to have sex with her. I want her to come and work in my office during a turning point in her life. I want her to change my life. I want her to make all of my co-workers experience another side of life.

I want the Emma Brody treatment in my office.

Of course, maybe I don't. But what's the difference. You'll never know.

Well, you'll never know until Emma comes into your life. Then you will know.

Trust me. I worked this out all by myself one morning in my car on the way to work.

***

OZ
The latest season of OZ came to a close this month. It did not end with the fury of all hell coming down upon the heads of the inmates of Oswald, but it did satisfy. Outside of a death, of course, there is never any closure for a character. I expected at least a small amount of gang warfare, or another gang rape, but, as usual, nothing happened as planned.

Harold Perrineau's character "Augustus Hill" appeared to be killed at the end of the season finale. That, while not a shocker (they gave that away in the previews) was the biggest of all cliff hangers.

According to HBO.com, we all must wait until 2003 for Season 6. Be patient. While you wait, you can pick up the DVD of Season 1. I hear they have director's commentary and multiple angels of all sex scenes. It's prison-sex-tastic!

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The Shield:
FX has this new show called The Shield. It is about a police officer who does very bad things AND catches bad guys. I think the writers/creators thought that a cop show would be cool if it was one part Homicide: Life on the Streets (gritty cop drama with good people making tough decisions) and one part OZ (evil, but somehow sympathetic, people getting away with evil things.) Well, that might make a good movie, but it makes for really dumb television.

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to like the show. When I read about it, I did not know how EVIL the main police guy, Vic (played by the dude from The Commish, after dropping a few pounds) actually was. At the end of the first episode, he kills a fellow police officer. In the second episode we find out he killed the officer because the FBI released secret information. Basically, the entire show is based around the premise that this bad cop will continue to get away with being a bad cop until he is caught, which can never happen if the show wants to have a long life.

FX is good to offer a very different kind of cop drama than the major networks. The Shield would never fly on network TV. But being different does not guarantee a successful show. And since Vic is surrounded by generic police characters, the show can't be as engaging with an episode that does not center around the illegal activity of Mr. Bad Cop.

Having said all that, I remain undecided on whether I will watch it again this week. I cannot help but hold out hope that this show, being modeled after so many great shows, will get better as the season progresses.

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The Simpsons
Just two quick comments: One, I watched the Hank Scorpio and Insanity Peppers episodes in syndication in the past few weeks. I love those episodes! Two: I think they need an episode when Dr. Nick somehow becomes Bart's mentor. In that episode, Millhouse ends up with Disco Stu as a mentor, then he and Bart cruise for chicks like Junior Nick and Su.

What? You don't care! Nuts to you! According to our information, no one reads this column, so I can say whatever I want!

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That 70's Show and Undeclared:
This is not going to be about That 70's Show. As you already know, That 70's Show is great and will return for another season. Unfortunately, Undeclared is over and there is no plan as of yet for it to ever return to television.

Sure, this happens to all kinds of shows. But hell, Sportsnight was on longer! That show was crap! Undeclared is a beautiful show about drug abuse, casual sex and telling white lies to girls! It is also about how much fun you can have while drinking!

The characters are well thought out, and the scripts are funny. So why are they pulling the plug? Ratings! Cheers had terrible ratings it's first year, and it was better than Undeclared!

There are times when I am all about sunshine and joy. At those times I am full of hope for the future. I think about my life and all the great gifts that have been bestowed up on me. Indeed, at times, I am a very happy man. But whenever I think about FOX putting an end to one of my favorite shows, I get all cynical. Yes. You can find me sitting in my car alone in the rain listening to the Smiths with a razor blade in my hand. Believe me, if it were not for Off Centre on the WB, I might have killed myself.

I wish FOX would somehow get Off Centre so they can create the ultimate Tuesday line-up: That 70's Show at 8pm, Undeclared at 8:30, Off Centre at 9pm, and Home Movies at 9:30 (of course, FOX will also need to steal Home Movies from the Cartoon Network, but FOX is evil, so that shouldn't be too hard.)

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Futurama
This is the other reason I am always talking about killing myself. FOX is trying to kill a very good tee-vee show, and me with it. Where is Emma Brody when I really need her?

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Six Feet Under
Yes. HBO does not let me down - ever. FOX should take a lesson from HBO.

Six Feet Under is three episodes into the new season, and they are not missing a beat. Unlike The Shield, SFU is different and has limitless potential.

Maybe next month I will write a bit more about it, but for now I will just sit back and enjoy the ride.

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Oh yeah, it has been over a month since I have seen or heard "Baby Blues" on the Cartoon Network. That is a very, very good thing. Do you ever read the Baby Blues in the daily funnies? You shouldn't.

Speaking of the Baby Blues, and things closely related to it, the Barenaked Ladies are terrible. Canada MUST be part of the "Axis of Evil". How else can you explain the damn Barenaked Ladies? They are bad like Rush is bad (and I am not talking about that fat idiot, Limbaugh. I speak of Rush the band.)

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So long for now. I will rap at y'all next month. In the meantime, keep watching Tee-Vee!

Keep watching Tee-Vee!

Keep watching Tee-Vee!

Keep watching Tee-Vee!

Keep watching Tee-Vee!