August 2002

Grandpa On TV
On The Tube

I watched G.I. Joe on tee-vee this week! Cartoon Network ran an old mini-series about the Rise of Serpentor (a.k.a. Dick Chaney) I think Justy is writing about that this month, so read his column before you read any of mine. Then again, maybe not. Lazy fucker.

* * *

VH1 has a new show called Driven. It is the latest in a long line of rock-umentaries about current superstars before they were famous. Using old home movies and interviews with friends and family, the show tells about the rise of the celebrity, or band. Just as with another new show, Ultimate Albums, Driven uses VH1's Behind the Music formula of story telling.

It seems that every damn network has it's own "Life Story" show. CMT, E!, Lifetime, BET, and, of course, A&E each have a show or shows that tell 'larger than life' tales of the super famous.

I am not a player hater. I do enjoy watching the bio-shows. My only question is this: Why does VH1 have so damn many of them? When I was a kid, VH1 was the station to see Celine Dion, Bette Midler, and Rick Astley. Jesus, VH1 sucked. Now, VH1 has some of the best weekend time wasting shows since I that one day I watched Stripes and Caddy Shack back-to-back on TNT.

When I am in full blown hater mode, I see through the bad editing and overstatements. I know that not EVERY person was the most influential rapper/singer/drummer of their time. Still, I cannot turn away.

Driven may be the best show of them all. The stories of how someone became famous is far more interesting than how they ruined their life. First of all, every ending is a happy. The show ends when they are on top of the world, not looking up from the gutter trying to make the bast of their bad situation. Secondly, the artist is not interviewed. That allows his/her friends or family to bask in their own fifteen minutes. It guarantees flattering adjectives in every story.

You can't beat that combination. While I think we have too many bio-shows on tee-vee, it's good to see that the king of the format still cares. (People should be more concerned with the number of cops&lawyers shows on tee-vee, but that is a discussion for another day.)

* * *

I was in Canada for 10 days this month. The only tee-vee I watched was the local nightly news. The only station we could get was the Watertown, New York CBS affiliate.

Live.

Local.

Hilarious.

Bigfoot guessed that the local community college produced the show, while I thought that Miss. Othmars kindergarten class was running the show that week. All is not well in Watertown.

I don't remember the names of the news anchors, so I call them Dave and Bertha. Dave looks like a seasoned local-news veteran, while Bertha looks like a deer frozen in a car's headlights. She told the news with nervous brevity and with little pizzaz. I could not figure out why Bertha was so nervous all the time, but the sports and weather guy helped me figure it out.

A.J., the weather guy, and Todd, the sports guy, had escaped from a loonie bin. Not only did A.J. giggle about the terrible drought in the area, he taped himself teasing children at the local pool. A.J. needs help.

Todd, on the other hand, acted like a normal sports anchor until he called a home-run in the high-light reels. He said a player "slapped the spalding." That is unacceptable.

When all four anchors were filmed sitting together, Bertha seemed out of place. The three guys joked and laughed with each other, but never laughed with Bertha. It was as if they had planned to ruin her career. That's when it hit me! Bertha must be pregnant!

It makes so much sense. The three guys are all jealous that not only did they miss they chance to impregnate her at the station Christmas party, but she gets to take six weeks off after delivering the baby! When Todd's wife had a baby, he was on assignment in Boonville covering the annual Woods Mans competition, and he didn't get six weeks off!

Well, there you go. The battle of the sexes is raging on in upstate New York. Who would have figured?

* * *

HBO's new show, The Wire is coming to an end next week. This is the best new show about police since Homicide appeared all those years ago. If you have not seen The Wire yet, you are a loser. To make up for your offense, be sure to catch it when HBO re-runs the entire season later in the fall.