December 2002

Grandpa On TV
On The Tube

THE BEST NEWS IN MONTHS! Cartoon Network will being showing Futurama SIX DAYS A WEEK in January! I love Cartoon Network!

Gap is singing unprofessionally again!

The Gap Kids came back into my life this December. They are singing again. Back in 1999, the Gap Kids and Teens were all singin' and dancin' all over the place, and I liked it very much. They made swing music cool for the khaki crowd. The Gap Kids showed us how great our asses could look in pants with song. Now, this Christmas season we witness the return of the non-celebrity singing Gap Kids. You must have seen the ad, a bunch of pretty boys and girls wearing colorful scarves sing along to Cat Stephen's happy hit "Love Train." While I have trouble understanding the connection between the song and the holiday season, the return of the singing Gap Kids is a good thing for tee-vee. I am glad to see Gap getting back to it's roots. There is nothing better than hearing the sincere voices of young models. It makes me want to wear a scarf again.

Fox is making me mad again!

I am torn.

Why?

Well, I have a problem with the Fox Network. You see, many years ago I made a decision to stop watching NBC, CBS and ABC network programming. Since that time, I dedicate my tee-vee Network watching time to Fox, and until recently, the WB. Fox has not always pleased me with some of it's programming decisions (see Futurama's crappy time slot), but good programming always brings me back again (see Temptation Island and Joe Millionaire.) This fall, however, Fox is walking on thin ice. Those jack-asses recently added "The Andy Richter Show" to their fall line-up! This is a terrible show with no redeeming qualities. Actually, it sucked when it was called "Andy Richter Controls the Universe" and it still sucks. That is why Fox cancelled the fart-loaf last year! I guess it's cost effective to run a show, no matter how crappy, if the episodes are already made. It sure beats trying to be funny with new material and good acting.

And what's more, the Simpsons have been marginally funny at best this season. That, combined with the crappy Andy Richter show, makes me wonder why I watch tee-vee in the first place. Of course, that feeling lasts only so long. For Fox is going to show "Joe Millionaire" this January. I will write about it next month. It is going to be the greatest show ever!

Cartoon Network is bringin' back the 80's!

Usually I save some space to write about my love for Cartoon Network's "Adult Swim" shows. I can't get enough of the crazy fun, and I don't shut up about it. That is, until this month. My new reason for loving Cartoon Network is because of the return of He-Man, G.I. Joe and the Transformers to television. CN broadcasts tons of shows popular in the 1980's, but many of them are not worth watching. For me, the greatest shows in the 1980's were the shameless marketing vehicles - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Voltron, the Transformers, Strawberry Shortcake, the Care Bears and G.I. Joe. As a kid, I had no idea that the cartoons were on tee-vee so I would buy the action figures. I thought I wanted to buy the action figures because they were kicking ass on tee-vee. As you can see, I was dumb. Lucky for Mattel and others, I was one of the millions of kids who took the bait. I do not blame them, for how else was I gonna decide what toys to play with? Make up my own mind? Right.

(It's the future now, and I am not in the toy-buying market. I buy stocks, cars and houses every day. I eat imported olives off the backs of the immigrants who clean my floors. Toys are a distant memory for me. Until recently, I could not indulge in the memories of times gone by without looking silly. My gauking at the toys in the K-Mart drew unforgiving stares from the fat people squeezing down the aisle with carts full of Doritos and Fiddle-Faddle. I need another outlet for my remembrance. Lucky for me, I have tee-vee - and tons of servants!)

CN recently completed the triumverent (I learned that word in Latin class) of childhood memories for me this fall with the addition of the new He-Man show. Now, on any given day I can watch G.I. Joe, the Transformers AND He-Man. The new He-Man is buffer and tougher than the He-Man of old. The bad guys look more bad-ass and Man-at-Arms is no longer a pussy. Sure, the show is tied, once again, to a line of toys, but that does not take away from it's awesomeness. No way.

I strongly believe that the 1980's was better for kids than it was for adults. Unlike the 60's and 70's, when to be a teenager or young adult meant experiencing life in ways your parents could never have dreamed of, the 80's made you dress like a moron and drink wine coolers. But for kids, it meant highly evolved cartoon shows with wrestlers shooting talking snakes, and huge robots that became hand-held guns. Being a kid in the 80's was great.

The Cartoon Network knows that the children of the 80's want to relive the sugar drenched afternoons, and their lazy Saturday mornings. Cartoon Network knows this, and it gives us what we want.