On The Tube

Usually I hate commercials. They are generally a waste of my precious time. They rarely influence my decision to purchase a product- it’s not often that I say to myself "that guy harassing those people about that detergent makes me want to purchase that brand instead of whatever is on sale." Most products are just about the same as all the other products of the same nature: most detergents are the same, most paper towels are just paper towels, and so on. It is apparent that advertisers feel about the same way, because most seem to have given up. Television commercials are boring as hell.

There are a few exceptions though.

First of all, the Miller Brewing Company has earned my loyalty. As far as cheap American beers go, there’s not a whole hell of a lot of difference between Bud, Miller, Rolling Rock, Coors, Michelob and all of those other beer factories out there. Since the demise of National Bohemian as an even vaguely consumable beverage I have been left high and dry (but not too dry) without a brew of choice for cheep. I’ve had various torrid affairs with all of them, MGD and Rolling Rock lasting the longest. I even did Red Dog for a while. I was adrift in a sea of cheap beer. But then Miller got it’s ass in gear. They motivated me to drink beer.

Miller realized that their product was just about the same as everyone else’s. They decided that instead of changing their product (thus ruining the concept of cheap beer) they decided that they would get attention where it counts: on television. I noticed their improved advertising several years ago. Hmm, these ads doesn’t suck, I said to myself. After years of lame Bud ads and Mark Harmon wading in a stream with a can of Coors I realized that Miller was on to something. Somebody over there is a genius! All of their brands started to have good ads: Dick’s friend Jimmy was doing the "test it, got to test it out" thing in his leather action suit for Miller Lite, MGD seemed to be involved with a massive constant party with dope music and lots of cheap beer, Miller used the phrase that the American Teenager devised for the cheapest of cheap Miller products- the Beast, and finally, Miller really started to understand the High Life. You can’t go wrong with "champagne in a can". God bless you Miller. God bless you for not wasting my time with stupid frogs and Dan Patrick rambling on about how wonderful John Elway is. For that I salute you! For that I drink to you!

Recently there have been a few other advertisements that have really caught my attention. They don’t influence my spending patterns because these are ads for rather expensive items. Like cars. Now, I don’t feel that I need to say much about Volkswagen ads. It is fairly apparent that they have it all figured out. They know their demographic very well. I thank them for the "Dono Orgeto, Mr. Roboto" because I am all about robots, and doing the robot. Also, the Cabrio ad with the kids driving around with the top down is just about perfect. VW’s advertising skills are not to be questioned.

But there is another car commercial that has really grabbed my attention. It belongs to Saturn. Saturn has made a few attempts at not wasting my time with their lame ass commercials, but now they have won me over. (Note to American automobile manufacturers: quit wasting my time with your stupid ads! I hate them. I hate you!) The ad that I am speaking of is for the new Saturn L (L standing for "large", how clever) series of mid-sized cars. This wonderful spot has some knuckle-headed middle aged man driving around the desert in his Camary talking to just about everything. This man is my hero. I too talk to the radio (and the television, and the coffee maker, and just about anything within sight that needs a good talking too- ask around Evil Robots HQ, they’ll tell you). He’s listening to his talk radio. "Talk Radio" is radios you can talk to. Here he goes:

"That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout, buddy."

"I’ve been sayin’ that for years!"

"Move it, sweetheart."

This guy is giving the world what for and I love it. It’s just an added bonus that he totally freaks out when some young (and probably hip) couple blast by them in their Saturn L. That part is unneeded. But the guy freaking out and pulling over to holler at the desert is pretty entertaining. This commercial is even entertaining with the sound on the tube muted. It can actually be quite hysterical, depending on how much supporting of Miller’s advertising practices you have been doin'.

Those car commercials haven’t really influenced my spending habits. Certain people around here were sufficiently weakened by the VW commercial with everything syncopated in New Orleans. You know, the one with the Jetta. The "that was odd" one. We don’t need to mention names though. This person would be mocked into the depths of humiliation and forced to work in the shed out back amidst all the corpses, except for the fact that Jettas are such rad cars.

I watch those ads. I give my appreciation to these corporations for not wasting my time like so many others. Those ads are all good and they do their jobs, but they are not the best advertisements on television. The reigning champion of TEEvee commercials is Cartoon Network. These ads are devastating in their effectiveness. Let me explain.

The people who run Cartoon Network are geniuses of the highest order. When I say "highest order" in mean that they are quite possibly high, which is fine by me as long as they hook me up with the cartoons. But here is why these masterminds are geniuses: I don’t turn the channel during commercial breaks. I can’t. I fear that I might miss a commercial. How about that! If ABC could tell that to the companies that advertise during the millionaire show they would generate enough ad revenue to buy out their parent company- Disney, or possibly the U. N.

The Cartoon Network commercials are quite a phenomenon. They are simply incredible. For a while I used to get angry at Cartoon Network for making their shows look so much better than they really are. These ads actually have the power to make me crave the Jetsons. Or to watch four consecutive hours of Scooby Doo. This used to make me so damned mad. But then I realized that these ads were not telling me what to do, but were offered in the grand tradition of cartoons as short spots of entertainment. And entertaining they are. I watch right through the commercial breaks. One must keep in mind that this channel features some of the very worst advertising ever seen: "Wacky Favorites" CD’s, Andy Griffith CD’s, that stupid drawing board that is all black but has multi-colored lines when you scratch it, and all the other dregs of the advertising soup. It helps that Cartoon Network has a plethora of kids cereal commercials- man the guys that do those ads are screwed up! But that’s beside the point. I’m talking about Cartoon Networks original ads. They range from merely cool like to the Toonami ads, to the absolutely hysterical like ads for Dexter’s Lab, Space Ghost Coast to Coast, and Johnny Bravo. These ads are all incredibly creative, not to mention funny. They succeed where ads for other television shows fail so miserably. If you watch an ad for Seinfield you will see all the "funny" parts of that episode (ignoring the fact that there are no funny parts in Seinfield). But if you see Space Ghost acting like an ass of some sort you are getting all new material. The show is not ruined or in any way made tedious like an ad for Friends does (ignoring the fact that Friends is always tedious, no matter what, until one of those chicks gets naked). Cartoon Network has earned my undying loyalty.

I also think that I need to find an new piece of electronics to buy. Circuit City has inspired me. They are currently running an ad that features a television within view of every turn of the head. A dream come true! Here at Evil Robots HeadQuarters we have a television in half of the rooms, but not at every turn of the head. I feel that Circuit City is inside my head. They know what I want, and I want to go to Circuit City and buy something. Anything.

Why can’t all advertising be like these few brave commercials mentioned above? This is something I have never understood. I just cannot understand why any company would take the standard boring approach to advertising. Sure, I guess they are trying to get the word out how good their product is. I guess I can accept that…no wait, I can’t. Most toothpastes are about the same- so lets make it interesting and show exploding tubes of toothpaste or something! Advertisers needs to either start getting more creative or start consuming heavy amounts of narcotics, like the cereal advertisers. Stop wasting my time, jerks!

And another thing- I won’t truly be a happy person until I see the Kool-Aid pitcher/guy busting through walls on a regular basis again. Hey, Kool-Aid!