Grandpa on TV

On The Tube

Would I lie to you? I received a deluge of letters about my hatred of Sportsnight in my last column. Please. While I have no right to judge a person because of their taste, you people are lame. The drama is undramatic, the reality is phoney, and the humor is neither subtle or creative. Why, then, should I change my mind after hundreds of angry e-mails? I should, like Mr. O'Reilly Factor, read viewer mail at the end of my input, but I cannot. This aggression will not stand. Please re-direct your letters of love and affection for that terrible show to the American Broadcasting Company so they can read your pathetic letters before the show is canceled.

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While I am on the topic, the Fox 'News' Network is yet again the best in the news business this month. No, not for it's coverage of the news. People, I still dislike the coverage, I love the five hours every day during which Fox and Friends and O'Reilly Factor are kicking ass on my TV. I did not think the shows could get better yet again, but they have. This is another major problem with my e-mail deluge. People should be contacting their cable television provider, not me, about not having Fox 'News.' Ask a friend to tape it; move to another part of the country; send threatening letters. Do whatever it takes to get F+F and O'Reilly in your part of the country. No excuses. And if you do have the Network but do not support it's best programming, you are hurting yourself. So stop the self-abuse and find Bill, E.D., Brian and Steve (and never forget Lauren!)

NOTE: F+F is on Mon-Fri, 7-9am. O'Reilly is on Mon-Fri, 8pm, 11pm.

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Fox is not, however, off the hook this month. Futurama remains mired in the 7pm slot on Sunday. What is this? Please send angry letters to FOX. This aggression will not stand!!!!
I am losing my mind. This programming decision is an insult to all who love TV. Write now!

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Also, all ye who did not heed my word and failed to watch the NHL Stanley Cup Finals on ABC are losers! The multiple overtime contests in Game 5 and Game 6 had some of the most exciting sport thus far in 2000. Shame on all of you.

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Is JAG always on?

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The Gap-Kids are missing. With any luck, we will find them in a school for the performing arts learning how to live forever. But seriously, I hope they are working on something great for the Fall season. But if they have spent their time bulking up, maybe we will will find them on a beach selling shorts and tops -- but only if they bulked up. If there is one thing worse than fat people wearing spandex, it is thin people becoming transparent under the hot summer sun.

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I am not going to say anything about Survivor. I hated the band, why should I watch a show with the same name? I feel the same way about shows named Poison, Firehouse, Warrant or Great White. The show should have been named Nelson.

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I think MTV needs to encourage ZZ Top and RunDMC to make a video. They can cover Top's song "Cheap Sunglasses," calling it "Thick Shoelaces." This would bring back a very cool fashion and make for great TV. I do not know why they did not think of this fifteen years ago.

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Top five shows not to miss this month.

1. Fox and Friends
2. O'Reilly Factor (This is a tie.)
3. Simpson's Repeats (This was a very good season.)
4. Anything from the MTV Beach-House.
5. Wednesday Night Baseball on ESPN and ESPN2.