The Iron Chef is Crazy

I am often asked, in my role as cultural commentator, what the
difference is between Japanese and American cultures. I understand
their questions. It seems, in this day and age, that the differences
between any two cultures can really be boiled down to language. In this
country that embraces all cultures and people it seems difficult to
think that we act and think in any way that is truly different than our
counterparts worldwide. Especially as we attempt to remove stereotypes
from our speech, actions, and thoughts. We don’t really want to feel
that there is any difference between your culture and my culture.

Especially Japan. After the Second World War, Japan embraced American
business practices, dress, music, and sports. It seems as though Japan
was becoming more and more like the United States, and vice versa.
Americans embraces Japanese food, culture and movies. Go eat sushi,
sing kareoke, or watch Fistful of Dollars to get a feel for how pervasive
Japanese culture has been. Personally, I fell that, except for
language, I would be perfectly comfortable in Japan. I would be wrong,
and Iron Chef has shown me why.

It is difficult to talk about Iron Chef. To give some sort of summary
would be futile, as there is something nearly indescribable in every
moment of the show. When I try to explain it find myself talking
circles. Perhaps it will be possible to describe it by walking through
an episode.

Here we go. First of all, there is a standard setup for every show.
Each show starts with this quote: "Tell me what you eat, and I’ll tell
you what you are". This quote is attributed to Brillat-Savarin. Then
comes the set-up for the show. The premise is that a wealthy man who
loves food (and big hair, ruffled shirts, and black leather gloves) set
up Kitchen Stadium so that he could encounter new foods – his name is
Kaga. Foods which would be works of art. So he "spent his fortune" to
build kitchen stadium and gather a collection of "Iron Chefs" who would
meet all challengers to try to defeat the challenger chefs in a high
pressure cook-off. We’ll take a second here to contemplate that term,
"high pressure cook-off". Just think about it. I have nothing to add
to the ridiculousness of the premise. Except maybe that the announcer
calls the Iron Chefs "the invincible men of culinary skills" and that,
"if ever a challenger wins over the iron chef he or she will gain the
people’s ovation and fame forever."

Then the challenger is introduced. The introduction begins "if memory
serves me right…" Then comes a brief history of the challenger. Most
of the introduction focuses on the challenger’s culinary skill, but
nothing is off limits. After the introduction, Kaga picks up a yellow
bell pepper, bites into it as one would bite into an apple, and smiles
devilishly. It freaks me out something fierce.

Now we are at the meat of the episode. The Kaga briefly re-introduces
the challenger. There is a lot of ceremony and shouting. Did I already
mention the big hair and ruffle shirts of Kaga. They are quite
impressive. Then he introduces the Iron Chefs. The Iron Chefs don’t
walk into the room. The Iron Chefs rise up from the floor, out of the
mist. Seriously. Then the challenger picks one. Why do they rise? No
one knows.

After this Kaga introduces the theme ingredient. The chefs will have 1
hour to prepare a full meal featuring the theme ingredient. Some of
these theme ingredients are right scary, as you might have guessed.
Even if you don’t know a lot about Japanese cuisine, you probably know
that raw fish is featured prominently. Many of us think nothing of that
anymore. Hell, raw fish, if prepared correctly, is quite tasty. But,
just as you are getting used to that, they add something else. There’s
nothing wrong, it’s just a cultural difference. A huge cultural
difference. A really, really, really huge difference.

Then the cooking. The show settles down for a little while. Most of
the excitement comes from the announcers. There are three main
announcers, and two guests (one male and one female). One of the
announcers is the sideline announcer. Before he speaks he asks for
permission from the head announcer, Fukui. This means that before he
can speak he nearly shouts, "Fukui-san" (pronounced "quison"). I had to
ask someone what he was saying, because there is no way you can figure
it out from watching the show. If I were you, I would shout "quison"
before interrupting anyone in the future.

Then comes the judging. There is a rotating panel of judges including
singers, actors, a food critic, a member of the Japanese parliament
(have I lied to you yet), and an astrologer (see previous note. I am
telling the absolute truth. I wish I wasn’t.) It’s pretty standard
judging, but with some slight differences. Judges can be mean, for
instance. I heard one judge flat out say, "I hate this." Sure, I would
have been disgusted by it too, but I would have been a little nicer
about it.

Finally, the winner is announced and there are "People’s Court" style
interviews with the chefs. Then the show is over and you are left with
the taste of bad dubbing, overblown, production, cultural confusion, and
a strange contentment. It kind of tastes like fish head stew, shellfish
innards paste, or a hotdog bun filled with lettuce, spaghetti, and
ketchup. I wish I was making these dishes up. I really do.

--Sketchy