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Martha Stewart Living (in Hell)
We had an idea. And it’s a good one. We’re going
to be heroes. Even just for one day. We want to make Martha
Stewart’s life a living hell. Here’s how. A new
TEEvee show called Martha Stewart Living In Hell. The basic
premise is this: we move in next door to her. Oh, what a good
idea. Imagine the hijinx!
This idea came into our head while watching her stupid show
last Monday morning right after having to suffer through Howie
Mandel subbing for Regis on that damned Regis & Kathie
Lee show. (Howie Mandel, by the way- according to our sources-
is a has been that never was). Now just why were we watching
this, you might be asking. Why? I’ll tell you why. Because
Sketchy and I were with the Princess in West Palm Beach and
there was no cable. Let that be a lesson to you: always have
cable. Or at least more than one channel.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah. So the plan is to make
millions of dollars first. Then we will buy a house in Connecticut.
The one next to Martha Stewart’s. Then we will continue
to "behave" exactly the same way that we do now.
Only more so. This includes:
· drunken drinking until sunrise
· leading troops of army men into plastic battle
· shooting at lawn furniture
· winging empties at stop signs
· dipping into the booger jar for booger fights
· lifting weights in the front yard or at least leaving them there,
just in case
· holding a garage sale for the sake of our pets
· being loud
· swearing like it’s our jobs – profusely and creatively
· digging
Then we will add new activities,
specifically to piss off little- miss- I- make- everything- pretty-
and- homemade- and- I- have- a- million- uses- for- total- crap-
blah- blah- blah. These activities may include:
· public defecation
· fecal defenistration
· BUYING cookies
· building a cardboard space station (okay, we would have done that
anyway, especially if we were millionaires)
· throwing out antique furniture
· helmet wearing
· not mowing the lawn (which Sketchy already does from hi apartment)
· donuts-- in every sense of the word
· putting up neon signs
· pole vaulting
· erecting a giant statue of two monkeys going at it (by which I
mean doing it)
· naked
· heh heh, we said "erecting"
So watch out Martha, we’re
coming to your special area code. Then we will get stupid in your
area. Where’s my booze?
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