March 2001

Things I Hate
Bumper Sticker Evangelism
The Lives of Commuters Special

I hate it when people tell me what to do. But I hate it even more when inanimate objects tell me what to do. This includes trees, rocks, buildings, street signs, and especially rear bumpers of cars. When a tree starts bossing me around, I can handle it. Trees make statements that are fairly open to interpretation and debate. Bumpers don't. They make declarative statements in the form of bumpers tickers and won't reply to my retorts. I hate preachy bumper stickers.

Not all bumper stickers are this way. Some merely advocate some product or location. They are pretty tame. People put them on their cars to show off where they've been. It's annoying, but I can't really criticize this because I have one or two of those on the back of my car. I am demonstrating my kickin' back lifestyle to my fellow motorists. I am saying "I am not always this angry bastard screaming and hollering up and down 95. Sometimes I go to the beach." Whatever. It's fairly innocuous.

But the bumper stickers that really piss me off and summon the urge to run cars off the road are the ones that preach at me. I don't like being preached at. I can turn off the TV when they start preaching there or slam the door on the Mormons faces. But I can't make the offending cars go away. At least not without doing serious damage to my own car. It's offensive that I have to endure this. It's almost as offensive as staring at an advertisement over a urinal in a bar. In that situation I can get my revenge by pissing on the floor or just leaving the bar. I went to the bar in the first place. I do not own the bar. It's up to the bar to do whatever it wants. When I am in MY car I have no choice but to stare at the car in front of me. These people have forced me to read their evangelism lest I slam into them and end up paying them thousands in damages. It's a dirty trick.

I also think that these bumper stickers are placed where they are for all the wrong reasons. Are these mostly religious bumper stickers meant as outreach? Are they seriously intended to encourage me to consider my own spirituality and start me on the path towards piety? Or are these stickers merely placed on the bumpers as a badge? I suspect the latter. And that's goddamn pathetic. These stickers must make their bearers feel so superior in their morality. At the same time they are meant to shame me. I do not feel shame in firmly agreeing with evolutionary theory. If anything I am disgusted by the image of the fish eating the Darwin deally. It's obnoxious. More so than the little Darwin deally itself. That is at least mildly witty. The image of the fish eating Darwin is alarming to me. It tells me that there are just too many people out there that believe everything that they are told to. And are willing to demean others for their beliefs.

The other day I saw a sticker that said "Know God, know peace. No God, no peace". It made me angry enough to want to pull the guy over and punch him in the face. This kind of morally superior thinking is exactly what gets us into wars in the first place. This sticker assumes that God has never lead to conflict. Right. This sticker would seemingly disproved god, then. A great deal of the wars of our species were caused by God. Or, more accurately, people speaking for God in similar fashion to this sticker. Wars can start when people think they know Gods will and are thus morally superior. Then somebody else who feels the same way about another version of God either attacks or are attacked by the first group. A sense of moral superiority has lead to countless conflicts. Does this bumper sticker mean to tell me that the conflict in the middle east is not about God? We have two or three main groups that absolutely claim to know the will of God, and that God told them that they are entitled to all the land. That's what it's all about. Hell, just look at the Crusades and the Spanish Inquisition. More like "Don't know our God? You die now." The "morally superior" tend to make a habit of oppressing those they consider lacking god and morality. So what the hell is this bumper sticker trying to tell me? Oh, that's right- it's telling me how its bearer is morally superior to me and that conflict is my fault because I don't know God. It's doing me a favor in preaching at me. What a shit-head.

All of the public moralizing we witness in this country is disturbing. It's really offensive. I really don't care to have people telling me what to do. I can think for myself. I don't need to go to church on Sunday and sing a couple of hymns to know what's right and wrong. But besides all of that, these people should really be ashamed of themselves. Being showy about your faith is disgusting. It's really pretty unchristian if you think about it carefully. Christ himself asserted that worship is something that should be done in private. It's one thing to attempt legitimate faith-inspired outreach and to offer people help with the problems they face. It's another thing to walk around with your religion worn like a badge. I don't think God is about bragging rights.

So, in conclusion, what belongs on bumpers are stickers advocating sporting teams and maybe even political candidates. Not tacky evangelism.

CASE CLOSED