March 2003

Screw the Underdog
or Grandpa Thinks Americans are All a Bunch of Self-Serving Jerks

Americans need myths. While this may be true for all humans as well, living in the United States my whole life has afforded me only this narrow perspective - I can't speak for the others, only my countrymen.

Myths about our character and generosity, honor and courage, or taste and class make even the lowest among us feel a connection with the whole. After the terrorist attacks on September 11th, our mythology elevated the people of New York City to kings among men, and turned a struggling President into an honest, caring and truthful man. Christ himself would have walked over his mother to shake W's hand in the weeks after the attacks. (Hey, he's only human, right?)

Some of our stories have been told so many times that you would think they were true - the South was fighting for State's Rights, or, the North was fighting to free the slaves. Corollaries to those myths abound, and confuse people daily. If you don't believe me, talk with a drunk southerner.

The myths we tell about ourselves are not all bad - some of them serve a purpose. If we didn't mask our shame every once and while, we'd hardly be able to live with ourselves.

While I would like spend my days dissecting American myths with all the righteous indignation I can muster, I'm not going to do so. It's March, and March's biggest myth is getting on my nerves. What myth, you ask? The sober Irishman? No, it's that American's love the underdog.

The underdog: No political campaign would be possible without the word. What would right wing radio (and Fox 'News') be without the myth that white people are the underdog in American? What would the NCAA Tournament be without it's 16, 15 and 14 seeds?

Yes, it's March, and for the next three or four weeks you are going to hear and read about the dazzling underdogs and their 'Cinderella' stories. Columnists will gush and sob about the beauty of a one-seed falling to a four. You are going to run into some guy at the water cooler who has always been a fan of Princeton or Gonzaga, although he somehow only mentions it every year in late March.

Yeah, American sure gets all excited about the underdog. It's our way of paying penance for fucking the small guy in his ass the rest of the year.

As far as I can tell, American's don't really like the underdog - they like a winner. American's like nothing more than to see a big, strong, attractive man kick a small guy in the balls. It's not only funny, but it makes us feel better about ourselves as Americans. What makes my skin crawl is that very few people will admit it. We're Americans, for chrissake, and we love our winners, too. Why deny it?

The love for the underdog is about as thick a the glass in our tee-vee screens. When one of our national heroes beats up on a non-sporty underdog, we couldn't give a shit.

Think about it: What of the Enron executives who screwed their employees while running away with millions? What of vinyl manufacturers who pollute small, black communities in the south? Do we care, as a group, what big, rich men do to people no different than you or me? I have no reason to believe that we do.

But if you listen to our leaders, or our clergy on Sundays, you'd think we care deeply for the plight of our fellow man. We shed tears, volunteer our prayers, and donate the change in our pockets. Of course, by Monday we've all created an excuse for why we don't need to do any more to help: They brought it upon themselves; I'm just one man; it's not my problem. Unless the problem is ours, it's not worth the time.

What are we if we're not self-serving? Not much, really. But cloaked in our collective myths of good character, right reason and true market value, an American is free to believe carry on with impunity. Why shouldn't he? Few people have the actual moral fortitude to stand up to one of their fellow Americans.

Despite what we think about ourselves as victims of terror, we are not wiser for it. Nor are we more kind or more caring. We like to think that we are strong, smart and kind. But as a group, we are cowardly, stupid and weak. We affirm that on a daily basis, and every time we vote. I have no reason to believe that we are going to change. This has been going on for years.

Damn, I sound like a bitter, self righteous son-of-a-bitch, don't I? I should. Hell, we should all be this mad!

Every March I hear talk about how American's love 'the underdog'. The myth gets more life as the years go by. Yet, from one March to the next, our paper-thin devotion to the poor and down trodden, to truth and justice, seems to wane more and more in before my eyes, waxing only during blue moons.