March 2003

My Unemployment

I don't work because I don't have a job. I was fired from my job last month and I can't find new work. Don't get me wrong, I really want to work, but it's not because I miss the thrills and excitement of working in an office. I don't think I'm cut out for a life as a home body.

First of all, being at home all day is boring. With all the potential distraction in the apartment, you'd think I'd be having the time of my life. Not quite. I think it was Pascal who wrote, "nothing could be more wretched than to be intolerably depressed as soon as one is reduced to introspection with no means of diversion." Yeah, it's that bad. When I had a job, I spent most of my waking day away from home - completely distracted from everything. Non-retired people design their houses to be livable in the morning and at night, but not for every day living.

I can't spend all day in front of the tee-vee or the computer because I need action and excitement! Lucky for me, I got some Lego Racers for my birthday. Recently, I have taken to racing them in the mornings. It is and isn't a form of exercise. But if done properly (that is, in your underpants) it is rewarding and fun.

Unfortunately, I cannot solve all my problems with Lego Racers because some of my problems are existential. Don't get me wrong folks, I'm not the type to linger on the couch all day thinking about eternity and damnation - I do that kind of thinking on the can. I worry about my identity or my value to others. Normally, those thoughts pass through my head on the drive to or from work. But since I have no job, those thoughts arrive between commercials or just after lunch.

When thinking clearly, I am not afraid of self-evaluation. When not thinking clearly, the battle inside my head breaks out of my mind and onto the couch. The wrestling matches between good-me and bad-me are epic some days. The fight often ends with one of us stabbing the other.

I bleed all afternoon.

For weeks, I've tried to keep up appearances in vain. My wife came home twice last week to find me alone on the couch wrestling with myself. As much as she tries to love me, she was too embarrassed for words. She made me eat dinner in the bathroom.