April 2003

The Last Will and Testament of Grandpa

Note to Readers: Because of my unemployment, I spend many hours alone in my apartment. As I pace back and forth from the couch to the bed to the computer to the fridge, I can see my entire life before my eyes. After a while I realized that, without a will, all of my stuff will be looted by lawyers and hangers-on. This document, while not entirely legal, may protect those I love from those who just want a piece of me after I'm dead.

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF Grandpa

I.
I, Grandpa, residing at Baltimore, Maryland, USA, being of sound mind,
do hereby declare this instrument to be my last will and testament.

II.
I hereby revoke all previous wills and codicils.

III.
I direct that the disposition of my remains be as follows:

MY wishes for the disposal for my body are two-fold. First and foremost, and without any question, I want my human remains cremated and stored in a handmade ceramic jar of my wife's choosing. If there is time, she, with the help of some friends, could make it at one of those "Paint it Yourself" places.

I ask of my closest friends (this means you, Godzilla) this one wish: steal my body from the morgue, drive it, in my Jeep, to a secluded location in the mountains of western Maryland and set me on fire (Graham Parsons style.) While I will be unable to pay for the fuel, alcohol, or bail, it is my wish.

For the record, my wife is against this, and she would prefer a simple ceremony before the cremation. However, if you CAN steal my body from the morgue and burn it in the mother of all bonfires, you will have my eternal gratitude. (Before you burn me, please remove my wedding ring and give it to my wife.)

IF my body is not stolen from the morgue, I would like my remains cremated after a short, dignified ceremony. I would like a man or woman to sing "Snow Don't Fall" by Townes Van Zandt at some point in the ceremony (with slight adaptation to make the song about a departed man instead of woman. That should be pretty easy.) I would like to be wearing my "Here Comes a Special Boy" tee-shirt, a pair of blue jeans, and my sleazy brown leather jacket, my Baywatch flip-flops - and my wedding ring. No socks or underpants, please.

SINCE, at the moment, I have no life insurance, I suggest that everyone attending the ceremony pitch in at least $20 to pay for the reception following the cremation. If you love me, you'll chip in $100. And if a few of you could stay late to help my wife clean up, it would be a huge help also.

IV.
I give all the rest and residue of my estate to my spouse, Bigfoot, should Bigfoot survive me for 60 days.

If my spouse, Bigfoot, does not survive me, I give all the rest and residue of my estate to my brother, Justy. If neither Bigfoot nor Justy, survives me, I give all the rest and residue of my estate to my heirs as determined by the laws of the State of Maryland, relating to descent and distribution.

As for my stuff…I leave the bulk of my belongings to my wife, Bigfoot. All of my creations, my writings and drawings, shall be entrusted to her care, as well as all of my earthly belongings. She may do with what little I have amassed as she sees fit. I suggest to her that she allow Godzilla to rifle through my books and CD's which she does not want.

V.
I appoint former United States of America President Bill Clinton to act as the executor of this will, to serve without bond. Should President Clinton be unable or unwilling to serve, then I appoint my father to act as the executor of this will.

I herewith affix my signature to this will on this the 14th day of April, 2003 in the April 2003 Issue of Evilrobots.com, in the presence of my loyal readers, who witnessed and subscribed this will by the act of looking at it.