May 2003

Why Box RULES!!!!
Evil Robots' Fourth Anniversary

In honor of this, the fourth anniversary of EvilRobots.com, I thought I would share my conversion to the way of the Robots. It is my personal journey towards Robotic grace that all and sundry can learn from and maybe, if the Robots so desire, emulate.

I have been a fellow traveler of Grandpa and Godzilla for many years, but for longer than I wish to acknowledge, I was ignorant to the majesty and power of the Robots. I knew not to bow down in fear and respect to these higher beings that we mortals call Robots. My naivety and stubbornness prevented me from their grace.

Grandpa was my first introduction to the awesome glory of the Robots. But Grandpa was not yet ready to share with lowly me the magnificence of all their glory. It would not be until Godzilla came, with his idolic Robot that serves as the guiding light to EvilRobots.com, that grace could start to come unto me.

Grandpa's Box - the comic that rivals Buddha's riddles - was my first introduction into the magnificent and powerful ways of the Robots.
In the days BER (before evil-robots), I would always go to Grandpa looking for the new Box (or just some boxes, I am like that). Scanning his room that was inhabited by low-cost beer (or the occasional keg) and Colonization, I would see Box on top of a bunch a paper. It would always shine through the haze, exclaiming another nugget of Robotic wisdom. But these brief glances of Box were few and far between, either the beer or the not so wicked-smart box would ultimately tempt me away. Then, one fair day in May, (day 1, AER) Godzilla and Grandpa directed me to a most holy site, www.evilrobots.com.
But I did not think anything on the Internet could be most holy, except porn. All my travels on this information autobahn (or I-95), always lead me to the real money-makers… sex. So, upon receiving the Evil Robots link, I just assumed that it was another fetish site.

Clicking through this most awesome new site in the electronic land-fill known as the world wide web, I immediately saw there were no naked chicks. What type of site is this, I thought? The Internet is only good for porn, where is my porn?! Why would Grandpa and Godzilla play such an evil joke on me? Then, before my eyes, was the light. A most holy light radiated from a link ominously known as Comic. I clicked, and saw it. BOX in an electronic format not hiding behind beer and Sid Meiers. Spouting Robotic wisdom for the entire world to read and learn. There was a point to the Web after all, there was a place for not-porn. That day I was born anew.

Many peoples dismissed Box and the one eye, one stump cat. They did not see Box as I saw it. It is the light that shines down from yonder Robots. I read Box as a scientologist reads L. Ron Hubbard, - full of awe, looking and impatiently waiting for the next bit of infinite wisdom that is just around the corner. It became a passion, I wanted to know the Box, I wanted to know the Robotic wisdom he contained and departed to all who had opened their eyes. In these early days, in my haste, I took the wrong message and surrounded myself with boxes (which I am wont to do anyway). This was the wrong message. The most powerful and beautiful Box is bi-dimensional and does not allow lowly humans to twist and move him as they please. These were most defiantly not my boxes… they let me do all I wanted to them, where ever I wanted. After a year or two, I learned the error of my ways, and now honor the one, the true, the great Box.

Slowly I desired to become the Box. It is the way. As I waited in great anticipation for more Box, I knew that great and wonderful metaphysical questions would have their due in the right and proper medium of the Robots choosing.

In my fear and awesome respect for the Robots, I could only wait and read. I knew I had to not just learn from Box, but be Box. I must reach that transcendental state, from which I may receive Robotic grace that only Box can bestow. And when I emerged from my dogmatic slumber, into the entity you shall only know as Schlomo, you bet your ass I was in Grace, more fucking Grace than you will ever see!

Long Live BOX, the one, the only, metaphysical messenger of the Robots.
And a big shout-out to Senator Gronk!