June 2001

Enneagram's: The Horror

The other day I went to an office retreat. Those of you who are familiar with office retreats, you already know what I am talking about. For those lucky enough to have been left out, office retreats have two major components: one, office leader talking about how 'teamwork' is so very important; Two, staff play get-to-know-yourself-and-other's games. Some 'experts' think that people get closer to each other when they climb on see-saw's together.

My recent office retreat was a real burn. It was a two-day, overnight slug-fest.

Sweet merciful crap!

Great googily-moogily!

I knew this was going to be tough, but I obviously knew nothing! The first day we learned the enneagram! For those of you who are not familiar with the enneagram, it is an make believe self awareness system for people who want their life reduced to one silly number so they might excuse all actions. Basically, it is pseudo-psychology for people too busy to reflect on their own life (see corporate, political and business worlds.)

As you may remember from history books, shifty men traveled from town to town selling oils and concoctions, claiming the liquids would cure everything. The sales men did not have any real scientific evidence. They merely preyed on the desperation and ignorance of the crowd to which they sold their 'snake-oil.' From now on, when you think of the enneagram, think 'snake-oil'.

The 'catholic' 'priest' 'teaching' the enneagram to our office was a classic 'snake-oil' sales man. You see, having made a vow of poverty, it was necessary that this man find a way to mix bilking people out of their money with playing God. (I know what you are thinking, 'Grandpa, you are exaggerating.' But no! I exaggerate not, my child. This episode of my life was a travesty!)

The whole staff was stuffed into a conference room around a table. Before the session began, I saw a book about the enneagram on top of a pad of paper. I began reading the book, but half-way into the introduction I realized that the author was full of it (kaa-kaa-dooty-poo-poo, that is.) So there I was, full to the brim with 64 oz of ice cold mountain dew, with three more shorties of Pepsi at the ready, and my keen intellect - I was ready to eat this man for lunch-to the extreme! Actually, I was ready to let him talk all day, but he left me no choice but to pick away at his supposed 'system'.

This con-artist's began his pitch by claiming that the enneagram was based on 'essential truths of human existence.' He lost me with his first sentence. To be honest, I knew this guy was a crackpot before he opened his mouth, so he did not have much ground with which to begin. It is no wonder that before he could rattle off a list of 'ancient' cultures and 'famous' people who apparently support his system, I was on he war path!

Father 'Steal Some Dough' told us about ancient wisdom hidden in obscure texts. These texts, when interpreted in the right way by the proper person tell us that each person falls into one of nine personality types. These nine are derivatives of three basic motivations or drives (ex. hard, line, and Lower Whacker.) And, while each person has characteristics of every number, there is only one number per person to account for ALL actions and motivations.

That is the short of the system. He slowly walked us into the description of each number, one by one, mentioning the names of famous people he had talked to or dead people none of us ever met. Herein rested my first confusion: if the numbers were meant to correspond to the motivations behind an action, then why are you defining the numbers with people whose actions we know, but motivation we do not?

Father 'I had lunch with him' continued unfazed by the contradiction. I had this little voice in my head saying, "Grandpa, let it be. This is not about perfection, this is about him getting paid. Shut up and deal with it." Being that I WAS on the clock, I stayed quiet for a while.

During a break, people stood around either sucking up to the boss and the 'priest' or sitting together asking, "What number do you think you are?" Being that I go to eleven I could not answer. Also, being that I am a prick, I told people "this is shallow" or I refused to answer.

I was not being helpful. So much for a team-building retreat.

After another session and lunch, it became clear to me my mission: be a jerk.

(OK, OK, already! I know what you are thinking, but I had been a gentleman up to that point, sort of. Anyway, my pop AND folk sensibilities were threatening to chafe if I did not speak up before the mid-afternoon break. So, since I take threats from all my voices seriously, I fired away.)

His system supposedly understood the actions of every person with respect to their motivations. Whenever he discussed a number, he would talk about the actions, but never the specific correlation to their motivations. If this system was meant to help people understand themselves better and make changed in their lives, then why is it that the motivations were aloof?

I supposed that the motivations were left out because there was no clear link between them and the actions of a person. Every time I questioned the priest, he could not answer my question to my satisfaction. But that is not the worst part.

He explained each number, one through nine, in order. He would begin with one, then work around to nine. He talked and talked, while I sat silently waiting for him to get to nine. One cycle was about negatives, one about positives, and one about maturity, each as empty and shallow as the next.

I waited for nine because it created drama. The poor guy could not continue until I was finished telling him why he was inconsistent, or just wrong. I did this over and over again.

I knew this was pissing him off. With every question I asked, he appeared more and more anxious. When backed into a corner, he restated his universal disclaimer "It is not perfect." So, this con-man who claimed to be in the most strong-willed category turned out to be as spineless as the next man when proven to be wrong. I found his lack of faith disturbing.

Our group had only a couple people influential enough to generate another group that could pay his fee. Why bother convincing me, I was not important enough for him to care, right? The impression that I got from him was nothing more than that. I imagine that he also did not try to debate with me because he can cry himself to sleep at home on a big pile of money while I cannot.

So what did I learn at this 'retreat'? I learned that people are mostly stupid, or that in the rush for easy answers to important questions in life, people will trade their dignity for ignorance.

I also learned that catholic priests can be greedy and shiftless. (Please do not mistake me for a player hater. I appreciate that this 'priest' is working the world for all it is worth, and he is doing a bang-up job of it. How else is he going to jet set around the world? HE surely can't do that by helping the poor or the meek? To jet-set from his seat on the pulpit, he needs to steal from the dumb and rich.)