July 2001

I'm Like Colt .45 (in that what I got works every time)

I know about dating. I am quite an expert, really. I've got quite a reputation. In fact, Evil Robots staff members are constantly coming to me for dating/relationship advice. So I've decided to take a few moments and share a few tidbits of my vast knowledge for the benefit of you, the reader.

First, allow me to demonstrate what a good friend does. Some people are very shy when it comes to dating and extremely lacking in self-confidence. When a friend is worried about a date not going well or coming off as boring or stupid or something like that, I offer my assistance.

Recently a ERI staffer had a date. I told him that I would be happy to tag along and do my best to make him seem all the more impressive to his date. I told him that I would "accidentally" bump into him and his date at a bar. He would then invite me to sit down. I would accept, but say that I couldn't stay long because I was "on call". Then he would get up to use the bathroom, leaving me and her date alone. I would then tell her that I am "on call" because I am a very important astronaut/doctor/robot dinosaur wrangler and then start showing her how I use my stethoscope. This would involve me putting it on then putting the listener end next to my ass and farting. It will be loud in my ears. Then I would giggle furiously. Then I would shout "Wait a second! HOLD THE PHONE!" Then I would place the ear parts into my nose and the listener next to my ass and fart. I will smell deeply. The smell in my nose will be very loud. Then I will shout UREKA! and run out of the very public bar we are in. Then this girl would think that her date is the most perfect man alive.

However, the staffer in question felt confident enough in himself to not require my assistance. Yet.

Now, when I am on a date, I take the opposite approach. I make it a point to never make an ass out of myself. In fact, it soon becomes obvious to all of the hundreds of different women I've dated, that I am quite a catch. My tactic is simple. I am a much better person than everyone else. This is very difficult to pull of unless it's actually true. Lucky for me, that I am the single person for whom this, in fact, the case.

Come to think of it, on my last date I pulled out all the stops. I sensed that I really needed to let my superiority shine through my often dull exterior. I ordered us a meal of "fine Corinthian veal". Over dinner I told my date some tales of my past adventures. After a while, I could tell that this woman was very turned on by my overpowering awesomeness. She was having trouble sitting still and kept going to the bathroom (presumably because she was nervous about not being able to meet me on my own level and this was causing her to repeatedly throw up).

Anyhow, I was telling this woman about my last trip to LA where I met a cowboy hat-wearing robot who rides around on a dinosaur named Reggie. Also, I think that the dinosaur can talk, but only the cowboy can understand him.

They have many wild adventures and roam the new wild west in the year 3000 solving mysteries and teaching the participants a valuable lesson about hard work, determination, and that it's what's inside that counts at the end of every episode.

Also, Reggie the Cowboy Dinosaur eats burritos for lunch.

This obviously signaled my date that I was a very important person. She asked me if I was in LA working on a script. I told her no. Then my date told me that she had to go and ran out the door. I'm pretty sure that she did this because she was so nervous. If she had stayed another second, I'm sure she wouldn't have been able to control herself from stripping down and demanding that I take her right there in the restaurant. Still, seeing as how she thinks I know important people in the entertainment industry for some reason, I'm sure she'll be back soon enough. And if she sees me lurking in her bushes and going through her trash, she'll probably just think I'm researching a role or something. Then she'll want me even more.

Damn, I'm one smooth operator.

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm off to my robot dude ranch, The Bar Ton, in New Mexico.