July 2002

The Lottery Bru-ha-ha

The following is the transcript of an actual conversation held between Evil Robots personel in absolute sobriety. We clearly have no shame.

GODZILLA
Yo.

Gentlemen, let me pose this question to you: what you would do with a lotto machine? This inquiry was convened at the Brickskellar by Chimpy, Mr. Joshua shortly after Chimpy demonstrated the most scientifically spectacular method of pouring a pint of beer on the floor.

Some ideas to consider:
A pick-up truck lotto system
A lotto machine goldfish tank
A lotto machine that decides what we watch on TV

The possibilities are endless.

Man, I want a lotto machine.

GRANDPA
I am so smart!

The lotto fish could be celebrities!

1: Imagine this...a tank filled with 64 fish, all the same kind (rockfish, lake trout, whatever...) numbered from 1 to 64. Every Tuesday and Friday, the lotto commissioners drop seven chunks of food in the tank. The first six fish to the food are the winning numbers, and the last is the Lucky Power Fish!

Why would this be cool? Well, first of all, the same fish could get more than one bit of food, and second, there is no way to calculate the odds. Really! No game theory, just pure dumb luck!

2: Other Idea: 64 gold fish in a tank of water. Seven retarded kids from a local school, with the help of the lotto commissioners, stick vacuum cleaner hoses into the bowl. The first seven fish determine the winning numbers. The kids will get lolli pops.

3: Fill a play ground full with retarded kids. Drop in six play-ground balls and have them play Dodgeball. The last seven standing represent the lotto numbers. The one kid without a ball is the Super Retarded Number! The kids will get lolli pops.

Not only do these ideas have HUGE TV potential, but they will give a huge boost to the domestic fish and lolli pop market. It will also give retarded kids heroes to look up to.

Sing it with me, people! I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!

MR JOSHUA
As long as there is punching involved. I am fine with just about anything. Especially if it is from some sort of punching machine.

You could even have a lottery machine for retarded people. No winning of money. The lucky winner gets a giant punch in the face. This also needs to be televised on either FOX or CBS.

Or, you could paint numbers on the clean shaven heads of retards and put them in a giant tumbling device, similar to the rock tumbler's that cleaned rocks that we had when we were kids but on a much larger scale, and then start the machine. The last six retarded kids that are still alive after it is all over will be your lottery numbers. The first one dead is the power number.

I also need to clarify my definition of retard. A retard is anyone that I deem to be stupid. Such as my brother, Godzilla. Why? Because I am ruler of the universe.

GRANDPA
Wait!

The Punching should be similar to the "Look under the cap game" that Coke has. If your Mountain Dew says "Punch Someone!" you are legally allowed to punch anyone with impunity. Also, if someone hits you back, they can be arrested, and your punch will not be admissible in court!

A punching machine would be great in Atlantic City. Put it on the boardwalk! Different machines would punch you in different places. The fancy casino's would have you punched in the crotch, while other, less fancy places will punch your shoulder.

OK, that's lame, but so is this whole punching lotto idea. Stick with fish and retards and you will make everyone happy, you dumb dick.

MR JOSHUA
The fish is a good Idea. I just want to see some one get randomly punched. I do it to Godzilla all of the time. It is fun, you should try it some time.

A punching slot machine would be better though. If you win the jack pot you get kicked in the knee, and punched in the groin and face all at the same time. The pure entertainment value of that would be astronomical. CBS might actually have a show that beats out JAG in the CBS ratings wars, if you can call them that.

GODZILLA
Also, the punching machine should be wearing a cowboy hat.

This is so much a better idea than "Spy TV". I wanna punch that fucking show.

MR JOSHUA
Spy TV is lame.

We could so fuck their shit up. Old school.

CHIMPY
Lest we forget, "Stupid kids need the most love". That's the first thing we learn (and, inevitably, ignore) as teachers. Grandpa, the fish ideas are brilliant. Let me weigh in on the pickup truck idea. Oh, and Godzilla: fuck you. The floor wanted a drink, so I poured some on it. Spilled? Feh. Anyhow, we were jabbering about how stuff in your car (truck, etc.) tends to whip around like mad when flying down the highway with the windows rolled down. One of us mentioned that this would be a great way to have a lotto. Rig up a camera in the cab of the car, crank that fucker up to about 80mph and let the ping pong balls (plastic bags, sheets of paper) fly. I would buy tickets to that lotto.

In retrospect, though, the fish idea is growing on me. But, what would happen if the fish started eating each other? Would that be like the Secret Bonus Scratch Off Prize? Anyhow, that's my $0.02. 'Cause I'm po'.

GODZILLA
That's exactly what happens. You cut open your fish and get a second chance. And if your fish has many fish inside you get many chances.

The same logic applies to the retarded kids.

MR JOSHUA
You have it all wrong. I own a pick up truck and this is how it is done.

64 lottery balls are put in the bed of the truck. You then drive about 75-80 mph with both side windows open (driver side and passenger side). All one has to do is look out the back window and they will see the balls magically floating in mid air in the artificial anti gravity unit that all pickem up trucks have. Then all you have to do is open the rear sliding glass window and the first seven balls that come flying into the cab of the truck are your winning numbers. Why seven, because the one that beans you in the back of the head is the power number.

That is how it is done.

Fish are for eating, not playing lottery.

Unless you are shooting a 12 gage with pump action into a barrel of fish. That sounds like fun.

GODZILLA
Fuck you, dude. Fish are too for playing lotto with. And you don't need a shot gun. Are you telling me that watching fish get shot out of a pneumatic lotto machine tube and (most likely) against some sort of target wouldn't be a richly rewarding experience?

If you're telling me otherwise then you are obviously retarded and should possibly be put into the Lucky Retard-o-matic (tm) machine yourself.

MR JOSHUA
I should have been more descriptive. Gold fish...NO. Too bland. Think Marlins, and then we are talking. You could even have Marlins shot out of a tube at retards.

GODZILLA
Yes, that would be far more exciting, due to the risk of eye gouging. But it wouldn't be a funny. Goldfish have a much higher comedic value. Therefor, I say that marlins are used in the pick 3 and goldfish in the pick 4.

My work here is done.

MR JOSHUA
Agreed.

CHIMPY
I don't know, guys. I like Grandpa's suggestion of freshwater fare, like bluegill, trout, or crappie. Cumbersome, angry fish would be the best.

MR JOSHUA
Why are we insisting on using Fish? I know that fish are entertaining, but I can thing of better things to use.

Why can't we use monkey's?

Monkey's are funny.

CHIMPY
Ooh! Ooh! And, since you guys are from Maryland, why not use crabs dressed as gladiators? That would be loud and entertaining! And then the winning crabs would be steamed and eaten!

MR JOSHUA
No. Monkeys.

Similar to the ones on the Monkey Channel.

Monkeys that think they are people are funny

GODZILLA
Chimp Channel, you chump.

No, it's when monkeys are DRESSED up so WE can pretend they're people that's so funny. Because us people is retarded. It is our ability to mock other species that makes us truly human.

MR JOSHUA
Yeah, whatever.

You might be retarded, but I am not.

I am special. My mommy says so.

After the lottery fish are shot out of the pneumatic tube, some one trying to hit them with a baseball bat could be interesting.

GODZILLA
NO! That's what the monkeys are for, fucker. Except that these monkeys have cricket bats. Much funnier that way. Also, they should be dressed like cricket plays and go "oop opp" with a British accent. I know that's not possible, but that's what scientists are for.

MR JOSHUA
You are correct sir.

I stand corrected.

How about the occasional orangutan?

GODZILLA
Of course!

See, orangutans are the upper management of the monkey world. This is obvious. They are all stately and intellectual looking in glasses. Plus one named Clyde beat up Clint Eastwood. Oh, and baboons are the trash men. This is also obvious. Seriously, their butts are all hangin' out and shit. Baboons are chumps.

MR JOSHUA
Baboons are the plumbers.

They have built in plumbers ass.

Sheesh....get it straight will ya?

GODZILLA
No, YOU'RE a plumber.

A butt plumber.

Man, I had entirely too much coffee this morning.

MR JOSHUA
Shut up, stupid.