July 2002

Almost as Funny as an Upper Decker

I have a new job. But that's not why I write this. Nossir. I want to introduce you to an entirely new concept already endorsed by Godzilla. The game (game, for lack of a better noun) is 'Shitting for the cycle,' and Godzilla has hailed me, its creator - 'You sir, are a genius. You might very well replace Jesus with forward thinking like that.' Which is entirely true.

The concept is simple really. You have a restroom at work. You use it. You attempt to use each and every waste-hole available (excluding sinks, it doesn't matter that its all pipes) in a given day. If you manage to crank out that much waste that you can do it, you win. I would suggest eating a lot of fibre and beans, those two seem to help and drinking a lot of water helps too. You just do whatever it takes to make your intestines flow.

A few examples: If you work at home or in a place that has only one toilet, you really aren't challenging yourself. If you have a 2-spot shitter and 1-spot urinal, fair attempt, but perhaps you should think about going for the cycle on 2 different floors. My restroom has 3 terlits and 2 pissers, and I think that it is quite a challenge; also, the middle toilet kinda scares me…what if you get stuck with two dudes who make smells like Godzilla? Finally, If you are a Jersey Turnpike rest stop employee and you manage this feat, you have a severe problem, but you win.

Now get out there and shit!