July 2003

What Have I Learned So Far?
Unemployment Six-Month Update

Based on my experience as an unemployed person, I've learned a couple of life lessons. The first thing I learned is that I never want to get cancer. It's just like being unemployed except that I'm going to fucking die!

I am completely serious.

Why is that? People like to give bad and/or dumb advice to me, and that is not being helpful. Problem is that they really are too dumb to know any better. Worst of it all, since I'm just unemployed, I can't get all mad at people, but if they give me the same stupid comments when I face death, I'll start throwing fists.

The people who come to me with their anecdotal advice are barely tolerable because I'm not going to fucking die from cancer - I'm only unemployed. Big fucking deal, right? I cannot be snippy or a jerk to those people no matter how asinine their advice is. No! They will ignore my anger because "He's just projecting" or "He's mad at himself" as if it was my fucking fault! Christ! Can't you tell that I'm angry with you because what worked for you is not necessarily going to work for me. Why should it? Fuck you! You people (and you know who you are) can eat a bowl of dicks.

I can just imagine me bringing my cancer news to the world. "Oh, that's terrible. Have you started taking (popular herbal supplement) yet? It works in 45% of the trials." My response, "No, and go fuck yourself. I'd like a fucking pity party, not silly advice." Why don't you ask if I'd like some whiskey or properly chilled vodka? Something like that'll help me a whole lot more if what I'm going to get is your pansy-ass advice. You should be buying me a stash of weed for my chemo-recovery, or making some 'herb'-butter and freezing it for when I need to make pot-brownies. You are a jerk. You're the same asshole who told me to check out Monster.com because it worked for your co-worker's husband. Of course, your co-worker's husband had a masters degree and had a marketable skill, but that should work for me, too. Fuck off. Your are an insipid trench!

The only person in my life who is 100% allowed to give me unsolicited advice is my darling wife. She's super, and cute, too. I want her in my business, and in my head. I made a choice to have her be part of my entire life. The rest of you better think twice before you say something stupid to me - EVER. I'm not afraid to burn some bridges! I can live without you!

I think people's inclination towards asinine advice comes from some combination of the popularization of psychology and the prevalence of religion. Those two aspects of human life give people the idea that their own unprofessional ideas, which they pieced together from three or four dozen Sunday sermons and one Dr. Phil show they watched a month ago when they were home sick with the flu, are meaningful in my life. It's as if the assumption is that ME, the unemployed (or overweight or suffering from allergies, or dying from cancer), am just like the other guy, that I don't have my own body or mind or circumstances. They think they are fucking doctors. But they are not. They are unthinking douche-bags.

The best thing about people is the sympathy and compassion we have for each other. It's been theorized that humans began speaking to convey their sympathy, or at least empathy (which is close e-fucking-nough). While that may not be the most probable reason, it speaks to our ability to see another's pain as our own.

I don't have a problem with all that. We have all been in tough situations, and we've all been hurt or confused or needed assistance. But what no one ever seems to learn form their time of need is that what they need most is a person to talk with, or have a drink with, or just to say that they care. If someone does not ask for advice, you should fucking assume that they are just interested in either changing the subject or hearing something nice like "You'll be fine. Let me know if I can help you in any way."

Now don't get me wrong, because I AM willing to accept help from you, but not dumb-ass advice from the toilet of your brain. Send me a job listing, not "Hey, have you looked at Monster? Or, do you read the Sunday paper, because they have jobs in there?" Kiss my ass, you unhelpful bastards! If you try this when I get cancer I'm gonna kill you. I don't care even if you had cancer, because if you are not a goddamn doctor. You are nothing to me.

What the morons in my life don't realize when they give bullshit advice is that I am in a state or arrested development, as it were. I can't afford to dream - well, actually, plan - for the future. All I can do is wait until I get a job with a paycheck. At that time, I can afford to think about the future. It's similar to being deathly ill because you cannot say where you are going to be in twelve months. How do you expect me to get well if all you do is make my life worse? I hate you people!

I think it was in Steinbeck's "The Winter of Our Discontent" where he said something about how people don't want advice, they want collaboration. That may be what I'm getting at. The screaming, cursing and the yelling is my way of letting you people know that it's about time you learned how to sympathize with others. Actually, I don't know if you should have sympathy or compassion, I guess it depends how well you know me. Either way, you should think twice before you give me any more advice. If you're not careful, once I get a job, I'll do the same thing to you.

Jerk.