August 2001

Japan Has Super Powers

I have yet another theory. Of course I do. And now I am going to share it with you.

When I was watching Iron Chef on the Food Network a week or two ago it occurred to me that the Japanese government obviously has the wherewithal to issue super powers. It seems to me that there is not much of a difference between the Iron Chefs and the Justice League. It goes without saying that Iron Chef Japan is the leader of this super-hero outfit.

This single instance confirms my theory. Japan has super powers. Nobody else does. Who on this planet is more powerful than an Iron Chef? Their powers seem to be infinite.

Then, after a few more beers, I realized the true depth of this theory. I looked back over the last five decades of history and the truth unfolded before my very eyes. I know how this came about. I am so on to Japan.

All right, after the end of World War Two the US Government forbade Japan from developing any significant military might. These were the terms of the treaty that ended the war. This made total sense. Still, the Japanese must have felt terribly insecure going along with this, especially considering their status as an Empire prior to their defeat. Notice that the Japanese people seemed to go along with this plan. Was this because the had just lost a devastating war or was it because they had a plan?

Both, maybe. But their security rested in their plan, not the tens of thousands of US troops in Okinawa. The plan. Yes, the plan. The Japanese government channeled the significant economic might of the national economy into a secret research program to develop super powers. Monster movies are just further evidence of this. Oh, so you're now going to say that I must think that movies like "Gamera" are probably test footage? No, of course not. That's ridiculous. These movies are simply disinformation. Reverse propaganda. These movies were made by "studios" using them as cover for top secret facilities. In addition, these movies were spread around the world so as to encourage an underestimation of Japanese super power programs. Who could take allegations of Japanese super heroes seriously with movies like "Mothra" floating around. It's quite an ingenious cover. Such rumors and allegations would seem like the foolish hype of Akira-loving geeks.

Japan, and only Japan, has the ability to dole out super powers. While the rest of the world was off developing nuclear and chemical weapons, Japan was providing the best defense possible- not a good offense, but atomic men who can thwart weapons of mass destruction and prepare flawless fish head stew.

Yes, I am so on to them.