August 2002

Training Day

I know many of you are very proud of me 'cause I gots me this spankin' new job. Yeh, you all were sending me the most cheerful emails while I was on the dole; they were all, 'Kwitcher' bitchin', bitch, and get a job.' Which was really helpful, thanks. I mean talk about motivation; you all were like Knute-fucking-Rockne 'n shit.

So now I got that dream job so many of you were urging me to get, it's at Compuglobalhypermeganet, this huge company where I am just a small cog in the machine. Oh, but they tell me I'm an important cog, and I believe them. Yessir. I'm an editor, don'chaknow.

So because this is a huge multi-state corporation of the finest caliber, we have all sorts of fancy orientationing for new employees. I mean they tell us all sorts of bs. This past week I was lucky enough to go to two of these things: one about the 401kay plan, and one on ergonomics. And they were like two of the finest plays I have ever seen.

The 401kay plan lecture started out great until the guy turned on the powerpoint presentation, and proceeded to read what was showing on the screen to us. I mean, come on, buster, this is a publishing company, can't we assume that everyone knows how to fucking read? I love a good slide show as much as the next guy, but shit, at least put something good on the damn slides. And I don't mean cheesy graphics either, bub. What's the damn point of a powerpoint show if all it does is say the same thing you do? I am guaranteed to tune one of you out if there is no difference. Oh, and get this, the plans name is 'good choices' or 'open choices' or 'perfect choices' or someshit like that. It involves choices, that's for sure. Oh, and you can count on those choices ruining your financial future, guaranfuckingteed, with the market we're in.

Then the ergonomics lady walks in, and pulls out this large writing tablet, the kind that signals 'audience participation' and I wince; which I think she saw. So we go around the room and every one gets to say something about ergonomics, and when it comes to me I make a great point about the back. Not only does she not write my point down, she suggests (in a bitchy voice) that perhaps I would like to teach the class. I said sure.

See the problem is, these things are meant to be informative, but all they are is insulting. If I am not getting anything out of the lecture, then why have it? If all you are doing is giving a brief overview and then telling me to read it in a book, why should I even show up? I got an idea, when you give the talk, on the powerpoint just have one slide that says
'read the information you got earlier' then don't say anything. Just don't insult me.

Thanks for the great job advice. Really. Chumps.