August 2002

Kool Aid Man and the Schlitz Bull: Separated At Birth?

Any normal ("dysfunctional") child growing up in the 1980s U.S. culture must surely remember the commercials seen on the TV at all hours of the day. In the morning, especially on Saturday mornings, TV watchers would witness product endorsements interspersed with cartoons and live-action/puppet-oriented programs.

Many would eagerly await the newest installment in the unfolding Kool-Aid Man saga. It all began innocently enough with a gaggle of heat-bushwhacked kids slogging though a typical summer's day. Then, as if by some miracle, a huge, bulbous pitcher of reddened liquid sugar barrels through a brick wall to save the children from almost certain death.

This imposing crimson cavalier became a popular favorite among TV viewers. The subtle marketing, which featured the baritone-bellowed "Oh Yeah!", became a part of our collective psyche. The earth-shaking entrance through the brick wall led to a nationwide epidemic of broken noses as kids everywhere attempted to recreate the signature salutation.

In the same vein of making a stunning entrance by bursting through (brick) walls, the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull established a similar pattern to Kool-Aid Man. Ads featured some friendly, socializing character actors in need of some loosening up. These hip, happening partygoers subliminally called forth the power of the malt liquor-bearing Schlitz bull. Which, strangely enough, would crash through a wall at the moment he was needed. Coincidence? No, say researchers. It's more like genetics.

After decades of painstaking genetic research, more recently aided by the assistance of DNA mapping and sequencing techniques, a joint team of scientists at Johns Hopkins University and at U.C.-Santa Cruz, have stated with 97.3% accuracy that the two are related. States microbiologist Norma Wilkins, PhD., "We now have compelling evidence that these two product icons are of the same genetic stock. I always had a sneaking suspicion after watching for years on TV as they followed the same basic patterns." She adds, "Just thinking about it makes me thirsty."

Head researcher Dr. Tad Howell comments that, "The two can't dodge allegations any longer. It was easy enough to acquire samples of each party to do comparison and matching studies. A little powdered mix here, a 40 oz. there, and we still had enough left over to wet our whistles."

Assistant researchers added their observations as well. "The commonalities between the two were just too compelling.", states grad student Juan Ramirez, "(A) They both tend to enter through walls in a highly explosive manner, (B) They both quench thirst, (C) Onlookers in the commercials generally didn't freak out or complain about destroyed property upon their arrival, (D) Did I mention they're both delicious?"

When reached for comments, neither party wished to shed any light on their relationship. However, The Hawaiian Punch Guy agreed to speak with reporters. "Kool's a pretty private guy. That whole wall-bursting routine is just for show. It actually started by accident. He and Schlitzy were enjoying some of the Malt Liquor, and Kool stumbled backwards into the adjoining apartment firewall." Punchy goes on to say that, "When he had picked himself up, and witnessed the nieghbors in teh throes of passion, he drunkenly exclaimed, 'Oh, Yeah!'" He continues by saying, "Bull, who was just as 'faced decided this looked like fun, and ran through the opposite wall. He inadvertantly broke up a poor 10-year old's slumber party."

Punchy, who for a long time has been Kool-Aid Man's main opposition in the powdered mix soft drinks, has maintained that he is, "a friend first and a competitor second". Additionally, when asked about Kool-Aid Man's and the Schlitz Bulls' parents, The Hawaiian Punch Guy responded, "I honestly don't know much about their parents. Kool never really discussed them with me. Actually, at the mere mention of parents in general, Kool's ice would begin to melt and Bull would begin to fizz over".

When questioned about their parents, the Bull stated, "Snort".

Researchers continue checking on the DNA samples to see if they can Kool-Aid Man's and The Schlitz Bull's parents with any current products. So far they have been stymied in their research, but several theories are being cultivated.