October 2002

We Have God on Speed Dial

The Evil Robots/DC Region likes to keep things state of the art. This is why we have recently procured new digitronic porta-phones. We needed them. Our olds ones didn't have Tetris. As frequent mass transit riders, having Tetris on our cell phones clearly give us a leg up on all the other chumps on the bus in the morning, merely reading their copies of the Post and leering at ladies. We can do all that AND play Tetris.

But we didn't just justify this procurement with Tetris. There are many more reasons we needed to upgrade our wireless communications. In addition to Tetris, we have greatly increased ease of inter- and intra-office complaining. Such bitching and moaning is no longer limited to a cubicle to cubicle basis. Now we can gripe from meetings, trains, boats, subways, bars, strip clubs, abandoned shacks, your moms' house, and just about anywhere else. We can bitch vocally, or send it from a meeting on the sly via email. Technology is great.

In addition to the vital complaining issue, our upgraded communications system has provided us with increased efficiency in date and alcohol procurement. This is worth of special note, because without alcohol, this publication wouldn't even exist.

Now, we of course followed the best business practices in our procurement process. The resulting bid selection process resulted in two different devices with two different service providers. We are currently in the evaluation phase of use.

We are both pleased with our new phones and service. But we find something curious. Is it standard for new cellular devices to come with a direct line to God in the speed dial? Because both of our new phones have it. This was discovered when Godzilla hollered "Jesus fucking Christ" with his voice activated cell phone in close proximity. Then Jesus came on the line and he was all like "what's up, pussy?" Godzilla then demanded to know who he was speaking with and inadvertently witnessed the Transfiguration over the telephone.

Lucky discovered the divinity enhancement in his telephone when he tried to call Godzilla and got God instead. Lucky didn't recognize the voice that answered and inquired, "is this Godzilla speaking?" The voice replied, "no, this is God, motherfucker. What can I do for you?"

Lucky then said, "Why don't you smite my enemies, Chief Rocka?" According to Lucky, God said this wouldn't be a problem. After retelling the story at the bus stop the following morning and offending nearly everyone in earshot by referring to Jesus as "that bastard" numerous times, Lucky elaborated, "Then whaddya know, we have ourselves a sniper." When asked if any of the sniper's victims were actually enemies, Lucky replied, "No, that bastard is powerful, not accurate…"

We're not sure exactly what all this means, but we do know that you, whoever you are reading this, should probably do whatever the fuck we say. We have God on speed dial. For serious, motherfucker.