September 2003

THANKS FOR NOTHING!

I started making my Christmas card list this week. Why is that? I have a job! Whoo-hoo!

But what does my employment have to do with writing my Christmas list? It's simple. My Christmas list is real short this year. Wicked short. Why is that? Well, because I am only sending cards to those among you who are my true friends.

Know this: If you don't get a Christmas card, you didn't deserve to get one, you useless sack of meat!

I am only sending Christmas cards this year to those people in my life who helped me while I was unemployed. Since very few of you morons gave me any useful help, or even support, during my search for a job, you get nothing! You get nothing because you are miserable human beings. I do not like you anymore.

Sure, you bought me a drink, or you sent me a "Good Luck" e-mail. That's not good enough. When I finally get a time machine, I am going to go back in time to get new friends (and family) so my unemployment will not last so long. That'll show you!

I mean, really, couldn't you have taken fifteen minutes out of one day in the past eight months to secure an interview for me? No, you couldn't do that because not one of you is really my friend! You people use me for my good nature and the excellent food I cook for you at dinner parties. You also use me to make you look better in public. You people. Ungh.

Actually, along with not getting a Christmas card from me, I am going to wait for you (one by one) to fall on bad times. When that happens, I am going to ignore your needs, your wants, and you, completely. I will occasionally send a really large attachment to your hotmail account so you are incapable of getting other mail. It will be a picture of a retard praying to God. It'll be about God's grace (as if you had a chance of getting it.) Then, I will give your work e-mail address to web-based coupon companies (Do you want a $20 gift card to Target? All you have to do is buy a towel from us!)

I am so totally ashamed of each and every one of you (and you know who you are!) and I cannot wait for your time of need. You'll feel just like I did - you'll wish you had better friends!