October 2003

Working on the Floor
A Waiter's Thoughts on Waiting

As you all know, I was out of work for about half a year. A few weeks ago I started working full-time at a restaurant here in Baltimore. Sure, I'd rather be doing what I had been doing, but this is where the money's at for the time being. Anyway, I have some observations from my first few weeks on the job. The first is more of a rant, the second is educational. Enjoy!

1: "Heaven" by Live

Ungh.

In the restaurant, music is provided by Direct TV. They have tons of channels of music, but only one of which is a favorite of the owner and managers - modern pop. It is alright for the lunch crowd because they only hear a song once per visit. For the wait staff, it can be a burden. In a given day, we can here Kid Rock's "Picture" four or five times. That is pain. But it gets worse.

There is one song which burns my onions every time I hear it - "Heaven" by Live. First of all, I'd never heard of these guys. They don't get tons of play on MTV or MTV2, and I never heard them on BBC Radio 1 when I listened to that for a while. Nevertheless, they have at least this one popular song. Here is the inane chorus:

"I don't need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter and I believe
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sun set and I perceive"

Are they for real?

I hear this song at least three times a day, and each time it makes me want to punch someone. No, I am not mad because that guy is all preachy and stuff. What gets my goat is the active acceptance of ignorance. This song, repeated over and over again at a teen-church-retreat weekend would be fine, because blind faith is critical to religion's survival. Once out of the church setting, and pumped into the ears of American children, it's an attack at science, logic and reason to which there is little recourse. I imagine all those kids becoming stupid, and I perceive me punching people.

Don't get me wrong, I think that people should be able to find solace and peace in this life. That's great, but you should keep it to yourself. Seeing "God" in a sunset may have worked for pre-historic man six or seven thousand years ago, but the bar is set much higher these days.

Maybe I'm just an angry, young, empiricist, but what else am I supposed to do? I see the ill effects of anti-enlightenment thoughts in abstinence-only education programs, Bush's refusal to send humanitarian aid to China and Africa, and his opposition to stem-cell research. That's just the tip of the iceberg. Once you allow yourself to believe in your heart in completely illogical ideas, it is one small step to the application of said illogic to your everyday life.

The best way to prevent more of this in the future is by more math and science education in the schools, and less God-squad-pop on the radio. I'm not calling for censorship yet, but I might.

2: Tipping

This is another sore spot. As a waiter, I live offa the tips I get from customers. My hourly wage is only $2.38, or, as I like to call it, very little. I need to get those tips, they are not a favor from the customer, nor are they just customary, tips are my real wage. That's why I hate getting stiffed.

I do my level best to serve every customer well: polite service, correct orders, quick refills. At lunch, I can have as many as 10 tables at once with people interested in sitting down and eating in less than 50 minutes. When the kitchen is running on all cylinders, I can get my tables their food and drink quickly enough so they can chew their food properly. Sure, I can't have a nice conversation with any of them, but they get the food they want.

The same is true for dinner, but to a lesser degree. People are spending more money, and generally are not in a rush to leave. The more relaxed atmosphere allows me to give more personal service than during the lunch hour. In both cases, I do my job well. But I am not always adequately compensated in the end.

Most people generally tip a waiter 15% of the bill or higher. Of course, there are those customers, no matter how perfect their food or attentive my service, never tip more than 12 or 13 percent. There are those who brazenly tip 7% on consecutive occasions. I just don't get those people.

If you are one of those people who never learned how to go out to eat, I will help you with some very important tips, jerk.

1. You do not tip 15% to make the waiter happy. 15% will pay his bills. Before you order an item on the menu, think of the cost including TAX AND TIP. Do not order something for which you cannot pay. If you cannot do this - go to McDonalds, or stay home.
2. If you tip less than 10%, the waiter loses money. You see, the Feds have a formula for waiters. They assume that a waiter will get at least 10% of tips from the total ring (ex: if a waiter sells $100 in food, they will tax you as if you made $10 in tips.) If you give a waiter less than 10%, then the waiter will be taxed for more than he earns. Do not assume that the waiter will make up the rest from other customers. Pay the right amount the first time.
3. And this should actually be #1 and #4, but I'm saving it for last - short of a rude or plain terrible server, there is no excuse for NOT tipping. People need to make a living, and just because your serving of soup was not big enough is no excuse for punishing your server. If the food is not to your liking, don't come back. Send a message to the owner. Do not take your anger out on the server. He does not control everything. (Also remember that the cooks get paid a real hourly wage no matter how your food comes out.)

I hope that helps. I know that most of you are not tightwads, but those of you who are should get a clue. There are no good excuses for failure to pay a server what he deserves. The system is not fair, and we in the food service should not rely on you ungrateful bastards for our livelihood, but we do.

So tip, god damn you!