December 2002

Double Dipped in Duck Sauce

In the spirit of deep philosophical inquiry, I would like to share with you a conversation I recently had at work. This conversation happened when most everyone else was enjoying their winter holiday. While most people were sitting at home rolling around on their living room floors buck naked in front of the fireplace cuz they couldn't walk anymore after 3 solid days of drinking, I was at work. And yes, I'm bitter about it.

So, again, in the name of truth I was inspired to pursue this line of inquiry to get to the bottom of some very important questions and, coincidentally, prevent anybody from getting any work done.

Godzilla:
What up, yo?

Some Other Guy:
Not much. But it's balls-out cold out today.

Godzilla:
I know it. I almost missed the bus today because my balls were frozen to the side of the bus shelter.

Some Other Guy:
Don't lick them first. If they're dry when you press them against the wall, they're less likely to freeze there

Godzilla:
I couldn't lick them if I wanted to. Wait, does wanting to lick your own balls make you gay?

Some Other Guy:
Well, gay or canine.

Godzilla:
Right. Anyhow, my balls were frozen there because I had dipped them in duck sauce, like I do every morning.

Some Other Guy:
Thank you. I just sprayed curry all over my monitor.

Godzilla:
No problem.

Hmmm, maybe I should rethink that. Because the duck sauce was supposed to attract the ladies with it's sweet, sweet taste. But every time I drop trou at a bus stop, point, and say, "check it out, ladies- duck sauce!" I get no takers. In fact, that's how I wound up with my balls frozen to the bus shelter- somebody pushed me.

Also, dogs are cleaning themselves when they lick their balls. That doesn't make them gay. If humans cleaned themselves with our tongues, it would be OK to lick your own balls. But since we don't do it that way, the desire to put your own balls in your mouth is no different to put anybody else's balls in your mouth. See, that outweighs the desire to have your balls in somebody's mouth. Because if it's your own mouth you want to put them in, you want to put your balls in a mans mouth and you are thus gay. Double, even. Licking your own balls is double gay.

I am a true metaphysician, jackass.