March 2004

The Log of All Logs

As a journalist, I must present a detailed account of my observations in the field. Living up to that challenge sometimes takes me into dark filthy places. What I see does not always seem fit to print. But I know that reporting the truth is not up to me to decide. The truth needs to be printed in its raw form. The public has a right to know.

This story is the result of two weeks spent on the worst assignment that ever landed in my lap. The subject was staring me down -- daring me to dodge my journalistic responsibilities. I was sitting alone one day, thinking, and I smelled a story. In the interest of full disclosure I must admit: I both smelt it and dealt it. My poop is the story.

My zealous groupies will remember a report filed some months back regarding my capacity to produce gigantic toilet-clogging turds. Although the butt-monsters will make a cameo appearance, this story is not about size alone. Here I present, in sometimes nauseating detail, the product of my own humanity.

Tuesday, March 9, 2004, 12:30pm
Went into the C-floor bathroom in the Princeton University Library to begin my research. Dropped a very long turd. It had to curl up around itself to stay in the bowl. It was pretty thick too, but thankfully soft and easy to create. Color was orangeish-brown. Smell was atrocious - it reminded me of the industrial plants along I-295 in the ten mile stretch south of Trenton. What on earth did I do to produce that?

Wednesday, March 10, 2004, 7:50pm
They were dark & small -- one was short but wide & several were little dinky ones. They felt like hell coming out.

Thursday, March 11, 2004, 4:30pm
Just getting off work, have some time to spare before my meet-up with Grandpa and The Alabama Monkey for a hockey game. Entered the "research lab" at Princeton's Library to continue my work. This time it was light brown to orange in color and fairly soft. Long , but not nearly as long as my initial research subject. It did not curl up in the bowl.

Saturday, March 13, 2004, 1am
Felt like pooping most of the day but nobody wanted to come out. Decided to give it another try before bed. Excellent research material! One "doughnut hole" turd and one that must have been the result of extraterrestrial interference. It was small, round, and flat -- honestly disc-shaped! -- but the surface looked lumpy like a funnel cake or apple fritter. (One squat gave me the power to ruin your appetite for three different treats! I am impressed with myself.)

Sunday, March 14, 2004, 8:30pm
Another large bowl-curler. Light brown-orange. A pattern emerges!

Monday, March 15, 2004, 11:40am
Another light brown one. Still somewhat long, but thinner & looser than the others. Seems to be on verge of diarrhea. I need to talk to the workers on my assembly line about correcting this.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004, 7:30pm
The light brown-orange streak is over, but I'm not sure that's a good thing. This one was very large & brown. It broke in half in the bowl instead of curling. Seemed dense like the consistency of fudge. I decided to flush once before wiping to make sure it went down. (Faithful readers will understand why I anticipate this problem.) No luck. IT DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO GO DOWN! I plugged up my bunghole with teepee so I could stand & try to break up the gigantic turd with the toilet brush. I flushed some more still without success. I set the brush in trashcan and went out briefly to warn Grandpa that I might need to call in special forces. I decided to brave it alone on the front lines (despite multiple failures in the past with turd not nearly as monstrous as this). One plunge took it down! A fucking miracle! (Well, that or the result of my refusal to add teepee to the pile). I congratulated myself heartily and then got back to business. Poured Clorox Clean-up on the abused toilet brush & swirled it in (fresh) bowl water until it seemed clean (at least clean relative to the poopsmith). Got back to wiping. All's well in the world.

Thursday, March 18, 2004, 7:20pm
Just dropped a few dark brown turdlets. (Must have emptied my full colon contents yesterday.)

Friday, March 19, 2004, 6:15pm
A large "fudge-type" turd again, but not quite as long as Mega-Turd of 3/17. I gave it a good hard flush & it went down the drain.

Saturday, March 20, 2004, 7:15pm
This sitting started with a few "raisinets" then escalated to a larger (though not very long) dark brown turd that stung all the way out. I became a little nostalgic for Mega-Turd and the Brown-Orange Softies. At least they didn't hurt me.

Monday, March 22, 2004, 6:10pm
A stinger again! It was very fat, but not at all long compared to others I've made. It did break in half in the bowl though, so don't start thinking it was an oversized doughnut-hole. A little blood is visible on one side of the turd (probably the result of it having ripped me a new one). This is the last turd that will be documented for the official record. I don't know if I can stand to be a member of the press any longer.