November 2004

What I'm Thankful For This Year

Hiya, folks. Grandpa and Godzilla have asked me, their newest and most popular contributor, to write about giving thanks. Ever since I found my birth-family late this summer, my life's been becoming all kinds of exciting.

Since they asked me to put down my thoughts in list form, I guess I'll start here...

Finding my birth-family. For years my Traveling-family told me that they were drugged-out nobodies who could not handle the responsibilities of parenthood. I learned from them that they were loving and trusting people who were double-crossed by a group of renegade nuns who traded me for a case of whiskey. Since my return, they have been warm and loving, making up for the nearly thrity years we missed.

Seeing my twin brother before he disappeared. The biggest surprise after finding my birth-family was meeting my twin brother, Justy. Despite our different upbringing, we look almost exactly alike - hair, face, hands and toes. If you found them, I bet you'd see that even our livers look alike. He will be missed.

President Bush. My older brother Grandpa gets pissed at me for supporting Bush, but he does not understand my interests. With that guy in office, the number of hobo-Americans will increase over the next five to ten years. A sad and dying American culture would have been destroyed by ten more years of Clinton-era economics, and Bush put a stop to that.

Locks. I don't use them much anymore now that I got me an apartment. Sure, I lock my front door, and I lock my windows, but I don't have to lock the bathroom door. Also, I don't tie my supplies of food to my legs every day. I leave that stuff in the kitchen. This is fucking great. We used to laugh about people in houses and apartments because of their locks and shit, but I'm not laughing anymore.

State University Student Booty. When I moved to Albany, Grandpa gave me some very important advice about talking with University students. "First of all," he wrote, "Modern science oppresses women. Second, Aristotle stole knowledge from Alexandria. And last, western ideas about sexuality restrict human potential, especially for women." Without a doubt, keeping my conversations within those simple ideas has got me laid more than all my hobo travel stories combined.

Hope. I am very thankful for the hope this last year has given me. Because I found my birth-family again, there may be hope that Justy will return in one piece. When the hobo-life takes me back to the road and the rails, this hope will be with me everywhere I go. Hope makes me goddamn happy.

You, the reader. Thanks for reading my columns and sending all the feedback. You readers are the best. Grandpa thinks you are a bunch of assholes, but you are no more than a bunch of jerks to me.

Remember, kids, don't throw rocks at hobos, they may whip a piece of poop back at you!