December 2004

"Day after day, everything keeps happening to me."
Grandpa's Year in Review

January: A New State
After my wife and I reconciled, we decided to move out of Baltimore. We moved up a couple states to the north from where we were, and tucked ourselves into a tiny apartment with no closets. This place has nowhere to hide and the fire escape does not have any bricks on it, both of which are good.

Neither of us managed to find a new job until late in the month, and we were able to spent a ton of time together unpacking the moving boxes and rediscovering each other. As it turns out, when she kicked me out the first time, she got a tattoo on the bottom of her left foot. It says "In Case of Emergency, Break Grandpa's Nose."

I say "please" all the time.

February: Buying CD's Is Fun Again
On a random road trip one weekend, we stopped in Princeton, NJ and found the Princeton Record Exchange. It's jam-packed with good Used and New CD's at low-low prices. Now, about once a month, I trek over there to buy a dozen or so CD's. If I can keep this up for fifteen or twenty months, we'll be forced to move into a new apartment to make room for the CD's.

March: Godzilla Visits to Watch Basketball
Anyway, we've got this cool bar down the street, and it serves cold ones to people a low-low prices. Bigfoot and I get loaded there every once and a while because the walk back to our apartment is down-hill. One day, Godzilla dropped by for a visit after his a-hole girlfriend left him for her vibrator. He needed to get stupid.

I took him out on a Saturday night during the first weekend of the NCAA tourney. We sat at the bar drinking pint after pint of stupid for six or seven hours. Carolina lost, I think, and Troy Aikman played pool and tried to pick up on a couple of college guys.

April: John Edwards Speaks to People in a Hanger
Late on a Sunday afternoon, at a time when I should have been home watching baseball, my father, wife and I stood in a chilly Albany, New York airplane hanger to watch John Edwards give a speech. Neither Dr. Dad nor Bigfoot cared for Senator Edwards all that much, but I was smitten. He was late, and the crowd was small.

The speech, which he prob'ly gave for the eight time that day, ignited the crowed, giving a hopeful feeling to a campaign which faced a punishing defeat in the upcoming primary.

May: If I Could Have it Back, I'd Skip It
May is almost the dumbest of all months.

You see, my uncle, the healthiest guy in the world, died this month. Back in January he had cancer, and by May he was killed by the treatment for that cancer.

Oh yeah - I was a pallbearer! I've never been a groomsman, but I've been a pallbearer twice! I cannot decide if it's because I don't belong on a church altar, or that I treat dead people better than I treat the living.

June: An Excuse for All Time!
For years, Godzilla and I believed that we were not responsible for our actions. Well, after years of careful research we determined that the time of our birth frees us of any and all accountability. We were born during the Ford Administration.

Never before, and not since has America been so bereft of dignity, vision or respect. The children born then should not be expected to excel in life, or advance human kind. If you were counting on either of us to make your life better, or apologize for making it worse, you were laboring under a misconception.

July: Rolling Around with the Top Down
One of my idiot friends got drunk and tipped over his truck. He did not die, but his jerk-ass truck rolled down the hill and hit mine.

August: Vacation in Canada
Bigfoot and I took a vacation in the 1,000 Islands region of Canada. Seven days of skinny dipping, bird watching and 'garbage stew' sandwiched between a wedding and the annual Pig Roast.

September: Dating My Wife
Eleven months earlier, we separated, and my parents gave away my Christmas presents. This month Bigfoot started attending graduate school. So, for the second time in less than a year, she and I began spending less time together. Most days, she and I barely saw each other. Thankfully, this time it was for a good cause.

October: Rise of the Pseudo-Communists
Can you tell me which sports fans are the most annoying in the world? Yes, it's Boston Red Sox fans. I can live with the Yankee-hating, but their never-ending pseudo-communist hatred of any owner (King George, specifically) who spends money on players bores the crap out of me.

November: Deaths of People I Liked, but Never Knew
This year, original New York Mets announcer Bob Murphy, and BBC presenter John Peel died. Both in their own unique ways, Murphy and Peel exemplified what I expect from music and sports radio.

In my youth, Bob Murphy explained the spirit and letter of baseball's written and unwritten laws as he verbally illustrated each game, from the first pitch to the 'Happy Recap.' When I moved away from the New York region after high school, I could occasionally listen to Bob when the Mets were on a west-coast road trip.

More recently, I began listening to John Peel's program on BBC Radio1. Listening on my computer, usually the morning after, he'd introduce his audience to all kinds of good and fascinating music. Of all the CD's I bought this year, I can safely say that over half of them were music I first heard on John Peel's show.

December: Month of Presents
December brings my wedding anniversary, Christmas, and my birthday. People give me stuff. It makes the whole year seem worth it.

Kind of.