January 2005

Staff Pop Quiz!

1. Which food would you most like to sit in while naked?

Godzilla
This is tough. There are so many foods I want to sit in naked. I think, ultimately, I'll like to sit in a pumpkin pie bare-assed the most. Though I would also like to sit in mac & cheese and take a bath in hot dogs.

Grandpa
Melon balls. Well, either that or a fruit salad with TONS of grapes.

Justy
After careful consideration of the issue, I think nothing would be better than sitting in a big ole loaf of freshly baked bread. It would be totally warm, and hopefully all spongy.

Chimpy
For a split-second there I was confounded. It's come down to two choices: Either trifle (for its many textures and overall squishiness) or Cadbury Creme Eggs, since they'd be semi-solid at first, but after succumbing to my body weight would turn into a nauseous, yet delicious, gooey mess.

Duckfat
Buffalo steaks.

Pixie
I was going to say chocolate pudding, but as a woman, that feels degrading and disturbing. So I'll say angel food cake, but I can only sit ON it and not in it. Nothing salty - that could burn any open wounds I unknowingly have. Not that I have random open wounds all over my body. I'm just saying…

Bigfoot
I'd choose a big vat of Reese's Pieces. They'd get a little melty after a while and might go somewhere unwelcome, but there's nothing else I could imagine still wanting to eat after sitting in.

2. After the Social Security crisis, what will be the most phony crisis created by the Bush administration in the next four years?

Godzilla
Hmm…I'm not sure what Bush would want to take from us next. He's already got our sense of well being and safety, and now he's working on our retirement money. So I guess the only thing left is our dignity. I suppose in 2 years we will all be required to line up and literally get fucked in the ass by the Bush Administration.

Justy
We're going to Mars, but this time it is because they totally stole all the candy from planet Earth and are planning to distribute it out free to children on other planets.

Pixie
Getting his two whore daughters jobs and husbands. That'll be hard because little baby Barbara is a total lesbian, and Jenna has her father's brains (or obvious lack of).

Duckfat
The increasing popularity of assless chaps among hairy dudes.

Bigfoot
At first I thought it might be the CooCoo for CocoPuffs crisis. That would be where the president's staff announces that he is unable to come to work today due to having inadvertently eaten an insanity-inducing dose of CocoPuffs for breakfast that morning. But that's just a beautiful dream-a sadly realistic dream considering the man "in charge." No, the next fake crisis will be that he has intelligence reports that robots have taken control of women everywhere. If they don't stop us, we'll get rid of all their manly fun and games.

Grandpa
Pulling the US military out of Iraq in June 2005. You see, it's more of a reverse-crisis - 'cause, you know, after the elections, it's like totally safe, so we can get the hell out. Our hard work will be done.

3. Which three people would you most like to spend a week with in the Space Shuttle? (You CANNOT say your spouse, girlfriend or Godzilla - no sucking up to people!)

Godzilla
A coked-up hooker, a pirate, and The Hamburglar.

Justy
Sam Malone, Willie Mays Hayes, and Dean Dale Moore (yowza!).

Grandpa
I need to take two separate week-long trips, OK!

Trip One: John Peel, Richard Dawkins, and Christopher Hitchens.

Trip Two: Whitey Ford, Billy Martin and Mickey Mantle.

(In both cases, the shuttle crew will be astronauts who worked as strippers to pay for their PhD's. They will also double as cocktail waitresses.)

NASA will be responsible for not only bringing the dead back to life, but launching a couple hefty payloads of booze for each voyage.

Duckfat
Prolly 3 astronauts, since I've no fucking clue how to operate a space shuttle. Duh.

Bigfoot
The three people I'd want to spend a week in space with would have to be: Alton Brown (for cooking and science-nerd fun), Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni (to share short stories and have nice relaxed chats with), and George W. Bush (to use for any dangerous missions that call for a human sacrifice). And absolutely, under no circumstances would Tony Robbins or Pat Croce be let on board.

Pixie
My dog doesn't count, I guess. He is clearly not a person, and I'm afraid to be in a space shuttle with him too. He's a dog so that means he wouldn't know how to use 'the facilities'. I can tell you who I would never want to be in an enclosed space with for any amount of time:

1. Carrot Top
   
2. Bob Novak
   
3. Arnold Schwarzenegger (sad thing, spell check knew how to spell his name)

Chimpy
First, I had to consider: Of all the people I could possibly choose, whose recycled-air poopy would I not mind smelling least and with whom would I be most likely to share my food for a week? Secondly, I had to consider choosing either living, dead, or fictional people. That said, the finalists are: Ben Franklin (probably a good conversationalist; wrote "Fart Proudly"; I could also probably get him to sing "Don't You Want Me Baby"), Penelope Cruz (poops probably don't smell that bad; Spanish and superhot; We could tongue-wrestle for most of the time), and Athena, the Greek Goddess of Wisdom (because she'd be like Ben Franklin and Penelope Cruz all rolled into one. And, I'll bet I could get to at least third base with her. Antigravitational making-out would be the bomb-diggity.)