February 2001

The Conference Call

Godzilla
I have a great idea. Listen:

I've decided to answer all time-related questions with some form of this response: "Since before it was cool."

This will work, and it will turn me into an internationally recognized genius. Check it out.

Q: "How long have you worked here?"
A: Since before it was cool.

Q: "When did you go to the batting cages?"
A: Ever since way before it was cool?

Q: "When did you serve time for stalking?"
A: Since before it was cool.

Q: "When are you coming to visit?"
A: I've been ready since before it was cool.

Q: "What time is the game on?"
A: I've liked that team since before it was cool.

Q: "How long will it take you to produce those revenue projections?"
A: I've been doing that in 2 hours flat since before doing it in 2 hours flat was cool.

See how well it works? People will know I mean business and will want to give me a raise and/or have sex with me.

What do you think?

Sketchy
Praaaaabt!
That's the sound of a fart.

So, did you make it home okay last night? I sure did.

There was nothing exciting on the TEEvee front.

Godzilla
Sometimes life cuts a fart. That's the cosmic shame....

No, I came home this morning. I was influenced. No fair!

Yeah, so Turbo held together. I do think the steering is flukey, but I think most of the problem was the psychotic episode. No more of that, please.

But I did almost die on the Beltway. Check this out. I was cruising along next to the slow lane and a bunch of cars in front of me swerved real fast, revealing that there was a 2 foot high roll of carpet occupying the lane. I couldn't swerve because of traffic. I braked hard and came within a foot of smashing my brains all over the windshield. This was at about 9 am.

Sketchy
"Influenced", eh? Heh, heh, heh

I bet you felt like a million bucks after you realized that you weren't going to die. Or you sat there and shook for a while. Either way, that will wake you up better than a cup of coffee -- spiked with methamphetamines.

I realized something important this morning, after I slept for close to 7 hours. I had really been depriving myself of sleep if 7 hours could feel as good as it did. I think I'm going to try to get to sleep around 9 tonight. To think, as a child I used to go to sleep around 8 -- every night. Then I would get mad if I had to wake up in 10 hours. Being a kid kicks ass. Lucky bastards don't know how good they have it.

I bet that's where all this nostalgia comes from. It has nothing to do with the times being better. It's just that it's so cool to be a kid. But, having melted polyester to myself as a child -- I have no nostalgia for 70s fashion. It hurt. As does 70s "fashion"

Godzilla
What's that supposed to mean? Whachitalkin'bout, Sketchy?

Influence this!

Yeah, that woke me up BUTT good. I didn't do no "just sitting there" though, as I was stopped on THE BELTWAY during the AM rush hour. I did get some nice adrenaline shakin' goin' on though.

You went to sleep at 8 as a kid? Damn, your parents must've drugged you. I think my BEDTIME was 9 when I was a kid (my parents had to compromise on that). I think it was as late as 10 by the time I was in 3rd or 4th grade. My parents loved me enough to not deprive me of spending quality time with Mr. Thomas Magnum.

Sleeping long kicks ass though. I am not good at it any more, however.

Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage!

Dude, let me know what you are going to write for ERI by Wednesday or so. I will need to figure out "what holes need to be plugged". Heh, heh, heh.

Hey- don't fuck with Polyester! My Jackie Treehorn shirt is polyester. It rocks. Don't knock the 70's either. I am totally proud of my heritage.

Sketchy
You know what I'm talking about. "influenced". You know.

Well, this going to sleep around 8 was when I was like 5 or sumfin, so there's that. Come along and ride on my beautiful, my beautiful balloon.

I don't know what I'll be writing. I'm not inspired at all.

Until you've melted polyester to yourself I don't think you are in any position to talk about polyester.

Godzilla
NO, I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

Hmm. I don't think I've managed to melt polyester to myself. Only plastic. Now that's fun!

Inspirado will hit you, my friend. It had better. I need it to hit me too.

Is your balloon filled with heroin and lodged all up in your digestive track?
Beautiful!

Sketchy
How to melt polyester to yourself:
1) Wear polyester pants (preferably powder blue)
2) kneel on a soldering iron
3) be totally distracted/engrossed by "playing the drums" (hitting things with two pencils)
4) leap up in pain, but don't interrupt your mom because you just got yelled at for that.

I will court Inspirado. Which I must. I could 23-skiddoo you an article. But it wouldn't be pure.

I'm going to go read your list of stupid things.

Godzilla
Nice work on the polyester skin. My hat's off to you. Kudos!

Sketchy
No, hats off to you, good sir. You magnificent bastard -- I read your list.

I got a mysterious phone call on my cell last night. I used the Internet to determine that it came from someone in Durham, NC. Freaky, n'est ce pas?

Godzilla
Silence! Only speak French when spoken French too! Have you no shame?!

Sketchy
I am pretending to be ashamed. Pretending because I know the truth (and I used to live with The Pretender. Oh, and JAG.)

Man, that rain last night was pretty intense for a little while there. I was at Hannaford's, then I walked out into the parking lot, then I saw it raining really hard on the other side of the parking lot, so I though, "That's odd" Then I figured out that it was going to rain REALLY hard in a second so I ran but it was too late and I was soaked.

Godzilla
To hell with Durham. That's bullshit. From Durham. Durham Bullshit.

Now I am not understanding you again. "pretending because I know the truth". Is this a double or triple negative thing? I've lost your implication. Or are you implying nothing. You are a tricky one.

I am a magnificent bastard, aren't I?

You were chased down by a thunderstorm! Evil!

Sketchy
I was totally chased by a thunderstorm, and it caught me. It was kind of freaky. I don't think anyone else in the parking lot knew why I all of the sudden broke into a run. But suddenly they were wet. Then they knew.

Why are there never any hotties in T-shirts when that happens?

You know what I mean by "pretending because I know the truth". You know exactly what I mean.

Godzilla
No, see before I knew what you were implying. I was pretending I didn't. Now I don't know because the table has turned too many times. I will assume that you are still implying what you were implying before, you filthy bastard. You should knock it off before I start believing you. That would be so confusing. What, is everybody trying to screw with my head? Stop gossiping amongst yourself about your friends.

Allow me to posit this truth: you can't have dinner for lunch.

Sketchy
I could have dinner for lunch if I was a billionaire. Who's gonna stop me? You? That guy? I don't think so.

So, that was a long story just to say I am right. In the future you can just say I am right (or to paraphrase Nick Nolte in "The Thin Red Line": You don't have to tell me I'm right, we'll just assume it). I'm right.

I'm also right about the thing I was insinuating (or wasn't insinuating, as the case may be).

Listen:
Last night, I watched "Sex in the City" (no nudity in this one). There is this character in it with the same name as me. So, this guy, there are 2 things about him. One, he is a really nice guy. Second he is going slowly in the sex department. Like they date for a couple of weeks before doing it. Oh, and he's dating the Sarah Jessica Parker character. This is important. So, the point is that they are dating for a while, she really likes him, but they don't have sex. BUT, Sarah Jessica Parker wants to have sex (or considering that it is Sarah Jessica Parker -- do the sex) with this guy.

RESULT: For most of the episode I hear Sarah Jessica Parker say that she wants to have sex with me.

Before they have sex they take a bath, so I get to hear Sarah Jessica Parker talk about my wang and how nice it is.

You can imagine what a state I am in today. I think I need to tape this episode. Then, when I'm feeling down I can play the tape and Sarah Jessica Parker talk about doing the sex with me.

Godzilla
Didn't I tell you about that guy on Sex and the City? I totally did. I left out that he was gettin' it on with Sarah Jessica Porker, though. My bad. Good plan with the tape, though.

No, you can't have dinner for lunch. It's impossible. By definition. Meal names are time specific, not specified by type or quantity of food.

All right asshole, you've got me totally confused now. I no longer know what you are or are not insinuating (or by now, reverse insinuating) and why you would be right about it. You are resorting to obnoxious Godzilla Tactics. Only I can be so vague and confusing. Really. It's all that damned Scotch Guard I keep mixing in my cool-ade.

Dude, there's a hot lady walking around selling tickets for a pit-beef lunch. I am going to have to go hide. The giggling will be fierce. I am afraid I might ask her if she stands open wide for easy filling like those new zip-lock bags.

Sketchy
NO!! No hiding, you MUST go ask this woman if you can put the beef in the pit for her. I will bail you out. Of jail. Well, maybe I'll ask Grandpa to, but it's still important.

Yeah, you told me about the Sex in the City thing. But because he was holding out she kept talking about how much she wanted to do me. And I was totally running around the house going "I'm right here baby, I'm right here"

If you're a billionaire you can bend time to your will. It's a fact. Then I can have dinner for lunch (with 3 sides if I so desire or four, then it would be a square meal).

Okay, I'll stop insinuating. It was totally psychotic. I know. You can't lie to me.

Godzilla
You can take your square meal and jam it up your round hole. That was horrible.

It wasn't a hot chick with the pit beef. I thought it was (from the voice). Mission aborted.

Oh, I don't mind you insinuating anything. I was just lost on exactly what it was you were insinuating. Insinuate clearly, boy! See, in my mind there have been reversals and possibly changes to the specific details of said insinuation. And then you said this: "I'm also right about the thing I was insinuating (or wasn't insinuating, as the case may be)." This statement is both horribly perplexing AND implies a level of implication beneath the implication. Insinuation within insinuation. This is how I talk to British secret agents when I have to reveal the secret plans to them to save the astronaut base without violating my oath to not reveal any secret plans to any foreign spies.

Now who's confused, bitch?

Also, you invoked both JAG AND the Pretender. I thought you might be serious.

Also, totally not psychotic. I think we must have totally different definitions of psychotic. Why psychotic? You say psychotic I say warm and friendly. I'll show you psychotic if you want...

Sketchy
I am the king of the double, triple, backwards insinuation. I made your mind my bitch and fucked it's fanny hard. I knew you would take me seriously if I invoked JAG and the Pretender. I am unstoppable today.

Godzilla
You are still beating me senseless with your insinuating. See, you said that I would have to take you seriously if you invoked JAG and the Pretender. So why is it that I should be taking you seriously? What are you insinuating about your insinuation?

I can read WAY between the lines and totally miss all subtlety at the same time. Watch out for me, I've got skills!

Anyhow, I got my hair cut today. I feel much better. I think my hair was too thick and making my brain overheat.

Sketchy
Good thing you got your hair cut. You looked like a fucking hippie

Godzilla
Special Instructions to Sketchy:

1) Locate one (1) railroad Spike. Do not clean spike.
2) Drive spike through one medium sized board.
3) Place board on floor so that spike driven through board faces skyward.
4) Climb to highest possible location in room (if this means stacking furniture, then by all means do so).
5) Remove all pants.
6) Direct rectum at board.
7) Jump.

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