May 2001

Fixing a Wagon

Editor's Note: This episode of Two Geniuses should not be read by our more sensitive readers. Or by readers with even a shred of human decency. We apologize in advance and have already taken action to regulate the use of amphetamines of our staff while in the office.

Lucky
So, are you going to that alumni function this weekend, or what?

Godzilla
I don't really want to go. But I feel I should.

Have you found some asshole to pick you up, or whatever, yet?

Lucky
No, but I am sure it will work out. I get the feeling that I can call those jerks and make someone get me. I will probably inform Lester of this plan and then make him do it.

He is such a push over.

Godzilla
Yeah. Then get all sensitive on Lester. He'll totally fall for it. Then get all choked up about how you were worried about not seeing "everyone" and so on and so forth. Then, when Lester tries to comfort you with a hug or whatever, sucker punch him in the stomach. When he falls to the ground kick him once or twice and call him a pussy.

Make sure you do this in front of "everyone" at the party.

That'll teach him.

What, I don't know, but I assume he will have learned a valuable lesson about something.

Lucky
I was thinking I would just ass rape him with a soap on a rope.

Godzilla
While that would be funny, I think my idea is better. However you could ass rape him soap on a rope style on that man hole cover out back, then sucker-punch him in the gut when he starts to cry and then call him a pussy.

That would be hysterical!

Lucky
You just want to punch him in the gut, don't you?

OK, for you, I will.

How bout I ass rape him WITH the a man hole cover? That would be wide.

Godzilla
Man hole covers either lead to a secret underground base OR become the belt buckle of the mighty robot that most neighborhoods transform into in times of emergency.

I just have never been able to decide which delusion is real.

I think the robot wins.

Yeah, just punch Lester. Then give some girl 10 bucks to walk up to him and kiss him and then punch him in the dick. Then she has to call him a pussy as he rolls around on the ground.

I think we need to build a life-like Lester android, because this shit is funny.

Lucky
It could be both, as the underground base could also be the robot.

Godzilla
Touché. It could be both.

It would only be funny if the Lester Substitute was wearing that hat Lester used to wear all the time. He matched it with his glasses and goatee to perfect his sensitive guy uniform.

That's what makes the punching and name calling so damned funny.

Lucky
Sure, the guy could totally wear Lester's clothes. Hell, he could even screw that chick that Lester's doin' it with...

I don't care.

Godzilla
Actually, it would be funniest of all if the Lester decoy were humping Lester's chick and then Lester walks in. Then we go up to the decoy and punch him in the back of the head. Then kick him in the crotch. Then, as he rolls around on the ground, we kick him some more and call him a pussy.

Then Lester begins to sob. Then he reaches out to be comforted. After he sobs on your shoulder for a few seconds, you sucker punch him in the stomach and call him a pussy.

Is this making you laugh as much as it is for me?

It's so pointless, I love it. It should be a movie.

Lucky
Yes.

I especially like that he will be crying on my shoulder, and then I get to kick his ass.

But maybe I get to stomp his girlfriend. Then I could call her a pussy, and when Lester started to protest, you could jump up and down on him. Plus, decoy Lester would have come-to and started working his chick again, and real Lester would have to watch.

Godzilla
Sure, but stomping her is kind of simple. Satisfying, but simple. I think it would be much more humiliating if you urinated on her face. The added bonus being that once you urinate upon somebody, you own them. This is a truth of nature. Also, for added "backup" I could shit on this girls chest.

This would make the situation all that much more interesting when decoy Lester comes to and starts working her again.

Lester would probably be so disgusted, after getting punched in the stomach and all, that he would throw up on the two people goin' at it on the floor, already covered in a multitude of bodily excretions, apparently oblivious.

Then we would have no choice but to call Lester a pussy again.

Then maybe that chick we paid 10 bucks to could walk by and start feeling sorry for Lester and start giving him a back rub. Then she would come around to his front side and hold his head into her breasts. Lester would start sobbing and saying things like "But I loved her so much!" Then this chick would get a disgusted look on her face, call him a pussy again, and kick him in the balls.

Then we would stand over him and point and laugh while decoy Lester and real Lester's lady continued to go at it all lathered up in human filth.

We gotta make sure to get this all on film!

Lucky
I will have no choice but to think of you urinating on his chick's face the next time I see her. In fact, I might just tell her. "I had the strangest dream about you. My friend Godzilla was urinating on your face. Do you like the golden shower?" Then she will be all bent, and I will be a champ.

Oh, and when I said stomp, I meant jumping up and down on her. Not just kicking of the ass.

But whatever.

Godzilla
Oh, I got it. Oh wait, you said jump up and down on Lester. It's much funnier to jump up and down on her. And mash up her vital organs and have them ooze out of her various openings. That would make Lester cry even more and give us another opportunity to sock Lester in the gut and call him a pussy.

Basically, we need to teach that guy to not be such a pussy.

Also, YOU are the one who's suppose to pee in her face. A big stinky held-it-in-for-3-extra-hours pee. Right in her face. Stinging the eyes and everything.

However, it would still be funny to tell her "So, me an this guy you don't know were talking about how fucking funny is would be to piss in your face and...."

That would be hysterical. Then Lester would get all bent out of shape and you could sucker punch that chump in the gut and call him a pussy.

This is a cycle of hilarity that NEVER ends. Not until Lester stops being such a pussy, at any rate.

Lucky
Right, so you are jumping up and down on her, as I pee in her face. Telling her that we talked about peeing in her face would be riotous. Really.

So next time I see that bastard I am going to have to sock him in the gut and call him a pussy. Or maybe when he is all happy to see me, I say, 'Hi ya pussy." and then when he is all uppity, I sock him in the gut. Then I park a car on his nuts.

Godzilla
Good plan.

But it's much funnier if you trick Lester into being all sensitive and namby-pamby before you sock him in the gut and call him a pussy. The goal here is education. We want Lester to realize that he has to change his ways. That's why whenever he even vaguely acts like a pussy, you punch him in the stomach.

Soon, you will force him to alter his behavior. Then, in a few weeks, you will be able torture his girlfriend for hours on end, while she bleeds and screams and moans with pain, and then eventually pleasure- all the while Lester just stands there and laughs. He will realize that getting bent out of shape over such a thing is for pussies and will result in a sock in the gut.

He will be cured.

And his girlfriend will have learned a valuable lesson about being a bitch.

Everyone wins!

Shit, I'm kind of disturbing myself this afternoon. Fuck it- tomorrow's Friday!

Lucky
I have been saying that for like 2 days now. I am so ready for a weekend. Any weekend.

Anyway, I can get Les all drunk and alter his behavior. She-ite.

Godzilla
Dude, trick him into admitting that he's gay. In front of as many people as possible and his girl. Then tell the girl that if she really loves him she'll start taking it up the poop shoot.

Yeah. Friday. Rock. Good times, good times.