July 2000: On the new Belle & Sebastian album "Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like a Peasant"

Godzilla:
You and your wimpy music. I don't know why I'm going to let you ride around in my bitchin' convertible. All the chicks will think I'm a crazy for hanging out with a dork like you (it will boost your cool rating though, as I am a jock with a bitchin' convertible). Why? Hmmm. Oh yeah, that's right- you are going to give me all the answers to the big test.

Sketchy:
Or you're trying to pick up a girl that's not into jocks. That and the test are probably the most likely reasons. My knowledge of teen comedies is failing me.

Godzilla:
Listen here mister, everybody likes jocks with bitchin' convertibles. At least at first. They all like me until I burn them by ridiculing them in front of everybody or emotionally harming them otherwise because of my ego or vanity. You would probably be providing me with some guidance in the subject of sensibility and honesty and so on. We'd become friends and I would always wanna go out huntin' some beaver and you would just wanna do homework. I'd be all like "C'mon, Nerdlinger- ya gotta party sometime!" You'd give me a quick quiz on the periodic table which I would nail (except for the one element I always have trouble with, which would come up later on the big test of course and I would finally get right- on the test- because of some trick you teach me in the future relating to sports or cars) and then you would say alright, you would go to the big kegger out by The Point. I would take you and you would score with some big breasted cheerleader who will think you are cute against all convention or maybe the tough, yet attractive girl who always wears a leather jacket who’s in my auto shop class. It would be love at first sight. I would be having a moral dilemma between the chick that always puts out (my girlfriend) and the nerdy yet hot (when not wearing glasses) girl that you introduced me to (who I like a lot, but doesn't necessarily always put out). This causes my character to grow- in more than one way.

Damn son, you are stupid. I have a lot to teach you about being cool.

Sketchy:
I'd like to highlight the delusions, catatonia, and incoherence.

Psychotic symptoms are present during the active phase and may include 2 or more of the following:

• delusions - unfounded beliefs that are thought to be true even in the face of contradictory evidence
• hallucinations - a sensory perception without an external stimulus; may affect hearing, taste, vision, smell, or sense of touch
• incoherence (not understandable) - disordered, and without logical connection
  
• catatonic behavior - bizarre motor behavior marked by a decrease in reactivity to the environment, or hyperactivity that is unrelated to stimulus
• flat affect - an appearance or mood that shows no emotion

No single characteristic is present in all types of schizophrenia

Godzilla:
Cram it!

So what? Everybody's a psycho. Me. You. That pyscho.

Stop fucking with me. I'll snap. One morning you'll find an entire ham shoved into either your mailbox or your anus. Or both.

Oh, and you can take your fancy underlining and highlighting and cram it up your ass.

Sketchy:
I like ham. I'm not sure if I would like ass ham, but if you can put a ham in my mailbox, that would be cool.

Hey, no one's calling you a psycho here. We're all friends, aren't we? Why don't you just put the ham down? Nice and easy, because we're all friends here.

DUDE! I just asked one of my pretend girlfriends to go out to dinner. Place your bets:
1) "I have a boyfriend",
2) "I hope you don't think this is a date"
3) "I don't think that would be appropriate"
and for shits and grins
4) "I was hoping you'd ask me to do something"

Right now odds are:
"I have a boyfriend" is even money
"I hope you don't think this is a date" is at 8-5
"I don't think that would be appropriate (or some variation)" is at 7-5
"I was hoping you'd ask me to do something" 20-1
"Let's skip the dinner and just have sex" 5,000-1

Godzilla:
I'll put a dollar on the last one. Sure, you might get sex out of the deal, but I'd get 5000 bucks. Do you know how much sex I could BUY with that? A lot, or so I’ve heard.

OK, here are some responses that you might want to think about for when this pretend girlfriend tells you to get lost (or whatever):

Her: "I have a boyfriend"
You: So what? OR So do I (this way you can trick her into getting naked by pretending to be gay).

Her: "I hope you don't think this is a date"
You: I wouldn't date you for money, and from what I hear that's what you're used to you skanky bitch. OR I hope YOU don't think this is a date.

Her: "I don't think that would be appropriate (or some variation)"
You: Any less appropriate than... a) you staring at my jimmy all day. I know you like it, baby OR b) the naked photos I have of you that I'm going to spread around the office tomorrow?

Her: "I was hoping you'd ask me to do something"
You: Me too. I'm usually a big fat pussy.

Her: "Let's skip dinner and just have sex"
You: a) I was hoping that you'd say that because that's not my finger you're holding. OR b) Awesome! Did you bring a strap on?

Now who's a genius? You can go back to school for the next 7 years and get a Ph.D. in physics, but they'll never teach the kind of valuable shit I've been dishing out today.

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