Ask an 8 Year Old

My name is Godzilla and I have an 8 year old trapped in my body. I have know this for most of my life. It made me feel incredibly mature for a few years- until I the day I actually turned 8. Since then I have had nothing but unresolved feelings. On one hand, I still think poop is incredibly funny- nay hysterical- but on the other hand, I still think poop is funny. You can see the trouble that this gets me into. I have been able to develop a more adult understanding over the years, but I am still motivated by my internal 8 year old. I know big words, and can use them properly, however I still must giggle when I hear the word "but" used in a sentence. Don’t even get me started on how the English crack me up when they talk about smoking.

I have struggled for many years to be able to find a more constructive use for my internal 8 year old than making horrible scatological jokes and eating fruit roll ups. I think I have found a solution. I hereby release my internal 8 year old on your more complicated inquiries.

What’s cooler: Trains or Air Planes?
--Ricky, Dayton OH

Gee, I don’t know. It’s really hard to say. Both have their merits. Let’s examine this connundrum closely, shall we?

On one hand, planes can fly. That is obvious. That gives planes, especially jets because they are so fast, a substantial initial impression as far as coolness goes. Planes are not a fixed method of transportation- they can do loops and barrell rolls. Also, many air planes are loaded down with guns and bombs and can blow things up with impugnity.

Wow, that’s gonna be hard to top. Let’s look at the case of trains. Trains have an advantage in that they are really big and loud. Also, they go over bridges, which are way cooler than runways. Trains are driven by engineers. Also, you can put cars on trains. And elephants. Trains are totally awesome! Once I got to ride one a train and the engineer let be blow the horn. That was awesome. Also, you can flatten coins on railroad tracks. But I hear there are lots of dead bodies near railroad tracks. And hobos.

So, to answer your question, Ricky- the coolest would be a train-mounted fighter jet. Top that!

Who would win in a fight- Batman or Superman?
--Joe, Ypsilanti MI

Ypsilanti? That’s the dumbest sounding name I’ve ever heard for a city! I bet everybody’s always falling down and other yelling "Ypsilanti!" I know I would, especially if they spilled spagetti all over the place.

My brother says that "My Little Pony" sucks. I say it’s nice. Who is right?
--Sally, Salem OR

You’re brother is so totally right, you dummy. My Little Pony is one of the worst toys ever. The ponies are all pink and purple. Totally lame! They don’t even have guns or even any cool cowboy friends that ride around and shoot bad guys while on the ponies.

I’m bored! I don’t want to answer questions any more. I think what I would like to do is go outside and throw rocks at stuff. Hmm. But it’s kind of hot outside. And there’s a huge spider on the porch. I don’t think I want to go outside either. Fortunately for me Grandpa keeps a whole mess of plastic army men around here for emergencies like this. I think maybe I will make them all shoot each other. Dang. It appears that Grandpa beat me to the punch. Ah, I know. I’ll go open the kitchen window and melt them in the sink.

Oh boy, that was a bad idea. I’m glad I was lucky enough to set them on fire in the sink. Otherwise I would be in big trouble! But it sure was fun! I melted this one guys head to another guys butt. Then I cut off another arm an melted onto another guy so it looked like he had a big wiener. It was all going fine until I accidentally knocked over the guy who’s head was on fire and he caught the dish towel on fire. Like I said, lucky for me I was setting fires in the sink.

This is dumb. I don’t want to talk to you any more. I’m going to go watch cartoons and burp whenever they are talking.