The Dirtiest Joke Ever

This whole thing is just another example of how things can get out of control in this day and age. I’m just an ordinary guy who happened to come up with the most offensive joke ever written.

I never thought I had a particularly offensive mind. In fact, I don’t even think the joke itself is particularly offensive. I actually think its pretty funny. The media sure doesn’t think its funny, but you know how they can be. The government has condemned it. I guess to be more accurate I should say governments. Actually, all of them. The first unanimous vote in United Nations vote was the joke's, or rather my, condemnation. I’ve also got this trial coming up with the International Court of Justice because of it. Something about crimes against humanity.

I’ve even retained legal counsel for the trial. It was a lot harder than you might think. I figured a high profile case like this involving free speech would have the ACLU knocking at my door. I was wrong. They’ve already written several “friend of the court” briefs saying, essentially, that while they are normally for free speech, and against the death penalty, and torture, they’re willing to make an exception in my case. I also went through a string of those lawyers that advertise on late night TV. Well, to keep it short, that’s the reason the all have disclaimers on their ads saying a) that they reserve the right to refuse to represent anyone, and b) they’re with the ACLU on the torture and death penalty thing.

So, I decided to take the “attorney will be provided for you” option that the officers alluded to. Speaking of which, don’t the police normally protect the suspects from the crowd instead of setting up a “$1 per punch” booth? I suppose it was all for a good cause, namely the Dr. Sketchy Legal Offense fund. Essentially they’re going to use the money to get the best lawyers in the world to try to get me convicted.

Like I was saying, I couldn’t get the best lawyers to defend me. I could barely get any lawyer. The public defenders office sent me their newest guy. He doesn’t seem to understand that he’s a lawyer and I’m a client. I’m sure he’ll come around. It was on his advice that I am writing this. He thinks that if the public hears my story, it might help my case. Okay, well, technically he didn’t advise me to write this. He sort of just said, “Fine, whatever, just keep my name out of it, I have a family.” But he says that whenever I go out, I think he’s got some sort of verbal tick.

So I decided to write for my old friends at Evil Robots. I should abridge that last statement. No one wants to be called an old friend of mine in print. No offense to them, but they weren’t my first choice either. My first choice was the New York Times. They refused to print it. Then I tried the Washington Post. No dice, for good measure I also tried the Washington Times and the New York Post. Let me tell you something about the media. I may have written the alleged “most offensive joke in the history of language” (William Safire and Christopher Hitchens in a rare collaboration.) but the language they used to kick me out of their buildings…well, let me tell you, they’re the ones who should be on trial here.

To keep my story short, I tried every major paper in the U.S., then I tried all of the minor papers, then all of the free weeklies, and even my college, high school, and elementary school newspapers. I didn’t think that you could be expunged from the alumni register of a public elementary school, but apparently you can. I tried the major sites on the internet: Salon, The Onion, Suck, none of them were interested either. It’s only because I saved <name withheld> from a burning building when we were kids that I have been able to tell my story.

It’s not merely that I have become an international pariah that bothers me. It’s kind of touching that I have united the White Aryan Resistance and the Nation of Islam for a common cause (namely: hunting me down and showing me my still beating heart before I die). The most upsetting thing is that very few people have ever heard the joke. I tried to pass it around as a chain letter, but I received death threats as a reply from everyone who received it. There’s this huge reaction to a joke that no one has heard. This is the most upsetting part.

I’m here to change that. For the first time since the e-mail experiment, I am going to share my joke. Get ready to put your prejudices aside and have a good laugh, ‘cause even if I do say so myself, this joke is funny:

Note from the Editoral Board: We’ll print just about anything. Check out the articles, we're filthy. Anyway, we’re not printing the joke. I’m actually resisting an urge to pluck out the author’s eyeballs and pour battery acid in the sockets. As far as I’m concerned, he’s only alive so I can sue him for defamation of character for that “old friend” crack.

Thank you for your time. I hope this puts the whole ordeal in perspective.