September 2000

The East Coast is the Better of the Two Coasts
Why You Should Live On The East Coast

The East Coast is the only place to live. Chicago may be an exception. Other than that, you have a problem. A serious problem, but it can be solved. Move to a real coast you freakin’ hippie. If it’s not in, or on the outskirts of the Megalopolis, I don’t wanna hear about it.

You can’t get a decent rage living anywhere else. It’s indisputable. Look at the most recent riots in LA. They were about a basketball team winning. Fuck that. First of all, NBA basketball sucks. Second of all, I’ve got to work in the morning, all I have time to do after a game is get really drunk, kick a couple of things and pass out somewhere. Hopefully near an alarm clock, because if it is typical East Coast weather, you have no idea whether it is day or night. It’s all gray. It gets kind of orangey at night, but that’s really the only difference.

And a decent amount of anger is the only thing to keep people going. If you don’t have a good rage, then what are you going to do? Live on a farm with a bunch of other rageless losers and grow your hair long and sing folk songs? What the hell kind of life is that? Hippies.

You can’t trust anyone whose not openly angry, because life, lets face it, sucks. Anyone who acts like it doesn’t is trying to penetrate you painfully from the backside (due to increased internet censorship, my attorney tells me I should mention that I meant that as a drawn out version of the cliché: "stab you in the back"). It’s just not honest to be not angry. I can name ten things to be angry about right now, and I’m pretty drunk, so you can imagine...

So, on the East Coast, people are angry, and you can trust that and feel all warm and comfy inside about it. Not that you do feel all warm and fuzzy, because you’re too angry.

Oh, and sports are better on the East Coast. Let us compare the NL East to the NL West (or, ha, ha, the Central division). Would you rather watch a Mets/Braves game or a Dodgers/Giants game? If you said Giants/Dodgers then you are either a complete and total jackass or living in the 1920’s, either way I have no time for you.

Now as to East Coast kickin’ back versus West Coast kickin’ back. Here again there is no comparison. East Coast gives us action relaxin’. West Coast gives us loser hippie types. There is a great deal written already on the subject of action relaxin’, but please allow me to highlight the difference between the two styles. Action Relaxin’ is better.

Okay, that should have convinced you, but on the East Coast, relaxin’ is a need. When the weather is just right, you absolutely must get out and barbecue. If it was 80 degrees and sunny all the time, when would you kick back? It would be hard to schedule. On the East Coast, any break from work or oppressive weather DEMANDS kickin’ back. And, because your window of opportunity is smaller, you’d better kick it to the hilt. One clear, stressless day may require me to drive 200 miles one way, kick back, and drive home.

Screw this. I’m out of gin, I’ve got to go.