August 2000

Purple Passion

Slurpee Run!! Woo hoo! My gay boyfriend and I went out on a Slurpee Road Trip the other day, and I was prepared to leave the state if we had to. I just wanted a Slurpee. A simple request, you’d think. But no-ooo. I want the grapey one. And for some reason, these people refuse to honor my needs.

Everyone knows that Grape is the ultimate flavor. Which flava-pop is always the first to go? Grape! What’s the best bubblegum flavor? Grape! What flavor do dentists offer little kids to make a cleaning enjoyable? Grape!! It is a common truth. Grape rules. Grape is especially powerful since it has the distinction of tasting absolutely nothing like grapes…although kind of like grape juice. How does this happen? Grape magic!! Purple power! So, why can it be so hard to find a flavor that is the known greatest? Is there a conspiracy among the other flavors – turned evil by jealousy?? Perhaps, but that is beyond the scope of my wisdom.

Almost everyday I end up at my local 7-Eleven standing by the Slurpees, swearing like a sailor. No stinkin’ grape!! Why do they do this to me? They teased me with them. Lured me into the Slurpee cult. Addicted me. AND TOOK THE GOODS AWAY! For almost two weeks straight they had grape-itty grape Slurpees consistently. Consistently there. Consistently good. (Could grape ever not be good?) But then I showed up and it had been replaced by Orange Guava or some such nonsense. Blech! Who wants that crap? Not a woman of discriminating tastes such as I, surely. So, after weeks of suffering this abuse while my gay boyfriend abused his taste buds with Coke Slurpees (why do people like those?), we went off in search of…. In search of the elusive Grape….with Leonard Nimoy.

Of course, we skipped the closest Sev. We already knew there was no grape there. Only stinky fake tropical flavors. (Side Note: Are fake orange drinks still acidic? I need to know. I knead to know.) So, off we went on our grand adventure! Next Sev – LAME-O! Blackberry crapper. Looo-zer. The journey continues…

And finally we spot what appears to be the sought after beast. Purple hues glow at the Slurpee machine. We approach slowly so as not to scare it back into flight. Yes! Grape has been found!!! And to make it a more sentimental reunion between me and my beloved and scarce Slurpee idol, the Sev where it was finally found is the very one I frequented back in my old college days. Oh, sweet Frank (nice donuts!) of Taylor Avenue 7-Eleven, you remember me!

I grab the cup – a Super Strata, not for the weak – place it under the slurp-nozzle and start to pull the lever. Grape bursts forth with such abandon that the cup TWICE volcanoed over. There is always passion in the reunion of true loves. My mission was complete. I didn’t have to resort to distant outreachs with the state or beyond. I found it at Sev #3…happily. The sounds of Spring started to play in the background, and Grapey Grape and I skipped off hand-in-hand into the sunset.

The gay boyfriend I guess got home okay.